Guest Host: Masi Oka
Musical Guest: John Legend (who doesn't appear in the episode)
Ratings: 7.17 million viewers
(Kim passes out)
Simon: It was probably the tequila.
Tom: Thanks, Hawkeye.
Matt: I'll tell you what I think is happening. I think you can't walk away so you're burning down the house.
Matt: All the times I said "I love you", all of those times, you think I was lying?
Matt: Well that's disappointing.
Cal: A snake got loose.
Danny: How many hours ago?
Danny: I wasn't going to lose interest in four months.
Jordan: How do you know?
Danny: Because I do. I don't feel sorry for you, I'm not on a sobriety high, I just want to be with you. What am I writing with?
Jordan: My eyeliner, Chanel Sable.
Danny: Been locked up on a roof for four hours with a deadly viper at large and it's the best night of my life because I was with you. I wasn't going to lose interest in four months.
Jack: How you doing Kim?
Kim: I want Tom to take his pants off.
Jack: Life's full of disappointments. That would probably be one of them.
Matt: I never cared that you were a wackjob.
Harriet: I can't believe I haven't shown more gratitude for that.
Nona Pruitt: This is a problem Mr. Shanley.
Cal: I know that Ms. Pruitt, I have the 'axis of evil' animal kingdom in there.
In the 1970s TV series M*A*S*H
, Hawkeye was the captain of the surgeons and was played by Alan Alda
Simon: Great, I'll do select scenes from "Weekend at Bernie's".
Weekend at Bernie's is a 1989 film about two employees who try to pass off their dead boss as alive for a weekend of partying.
Cal: I have the 'axis of evil' animal kingdom in there.
In a State of the Union address, President Bush referred to terrorist allies as the "Axis of Evil".