Rajesh: Here's what I wonder about zombies. What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death. They're already dead!
Howard: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror"?
Sheldon: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.

President Siebert: How are we doing today?
Sheldon: That depends. How much longer do you plan on fondling my shoulder?
President Siebert: Sorry, Dr. Cooper, I forgot you have a touch phobia.
Sheldon: It's not a touch phobia, it's a germ phobia. If you'd like to go put on a pair of latex gloves, I'll let you check me for a hernia.

Leonard: Well, Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump... Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.
Leonard: She hit on me.
Howard: Wait-wait-wait. Are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard: I think so.
Howard: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?
Leonard: I was able to get out of there before anything else happened, but she wants to see me again tomorrow night.
Sheldon: Excellent! What are you planning to wear?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Penny, you're an expert on trading sexual favors for material gain, walk him through this.
Leonard: Well, n-no, hold on a second, I'm not going to sleep with her.
Sheldon: But we need a cryogenic centrifugal pump.
Leonard: Well, forget it! It's not gonna happen.
Sheldon: Well, come now, Leonard, this may be your only chance to make a real contribution to science!
Leonard: I repeat: Not gonna happen.
Penny: What was all that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
Sheldon: It was a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit is due.