Colbert: Listen to this statement from collider physicist Michael Zeller: "What did they say in 'Star Wars'? We're going where no man has ever been? Well, that's where we're going." First of all, Dr. Zeller, the quote is "Bodly go where no man has gone before." Second, it's from Star Trek, not Star Wars. How does a supposed nerd not know the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek. This is a serious violation of nerd cred.

Colbert: Thanks to global warming, we've almost defeated the iceberg menace. Leonardo DiCaprio, you did not die in vain!

(referring to an iceberg shaped like a penis)
Colbert: It is a massive, floating schwantz-berg! It's clearly an attack on our morals and our self-confidence. I don't get it. I thought cold water was supposed to make it shrink. Keep in mind now: 90% of that thing is still underwater.