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The scum that pollutes the waters of our Nation's capital (Washington, DC in case you forget) and their philandering ways is the focus of tonight's monologue. Senator John Ensign of Nevada, the family values candidate who cheated on his wife is the main target. Later, JULIE ORMOND from the new movie, Surveillance, stops by. Also, Astronomer DERRICK PITTS.
Craig: (thinking an audience member is flirting with him) I think this might be one of the shows that for some reason my DVR doesn't record.
Craig: I'm sorry you didn't get into the Price is Right too.
Craig: (talking about the adulterer Senator John Ensign) This woman he had the affair with was on the Senator's staff...if you know what I mean.
Craig: (talking about the adulterer Senator John Ensign) She was a member of his staff...in charge of the polls.
Craig: Now Senator Ensign is from Nevada, he's a big supporter of the Las Vegas casino's. He loved playing poker and then after that he'd play some cards.
Craig: Now of course all the people on the left are delighted because Senator Ensign is a Republican. Of course when someone on the left is in trouble the people on the right are delighted. You know me, I'm just delighted when any of them gets into trouble because I don't care what side they're on. If they weren't out there lying, saying crap, cheating on their wives I'd have nothing to talk about. It'd be fart jokes every night, I'd have to talk about serious stuff like the economy and global warming. So to all of the politicians I say thank you hypocritical bastards.