Craig: (talking to the audience over the opening applause) You've done more than enough, everyones very happy with your phony applause. Sit down. Sometimes it just goes to far and I feel patronized.
Craig: It's a great day for America, yes it is, yes it is. And I'll tell you why, as of today in the state of Vermont, absolutely, it's legal, no going back now, same-sex marriage is legal in Vermont.
Craig: (speaking about same-sex marriage) It's legal now in Vermont, that means it's only a matter of time before Ben marries Jerry.
Craig: Do you know some politicians are seriously, seriously suggesting that Dick Cheney should run for President. (laughs) These politicians are called "Democrats".
Craig: Scientists in the 1980's told me that cocaine was not addictive. Now when I say scientist I of course mean, cocaine dealers.
Craig: The weather patterns are always changing. It's like Lindsay Lohan's sexual preference, you never know what you're gonna get.
Craig: My problem is I don't have any material.