Jess is sitting on the couch comparing her story to the idiocy of characters in horror movies.
Flashback to two weeks prior. Jess is sitting in the back of a cab talking to Cece on her cellphone.
She is explaining how she is going home to surprise Spenser. Jess is not wearing anything under her coat, Spenser has a stripper fantasy. Jess tells Cece here stripper name is "Rebecca Johnson." Cece questions this, Jess changes it to "Boobies Johnson" and then "Two Boobs Johnson."
Jess arrives home. A surprised Spenser comes out of the bedroom, and Jess drops her coat on the floor. She picks a large pillow up and covers herself with it, and begins dancing and singing er, seductively, knocking over a plant in the process. As she hits one particularly loud note, she turns around to see a girl come out of the bedroom behind Spenser, in her underwear. She is completely shocked and upset.
Back to present time, Jess is sitting in a chair, and explains that that is why she needs a new place to live. Coach, Nick, and Schmidt are on the couch across from her.
Jess tells the guys that when she saw their ad on craigslist, she thought they were women because of the words they used. Schmidt takes his shirt off and asks if he looks like a woman. Nick apologizes for him. Jess looks confused. Schmidt says "LLS - Ladies Love Schmidt." Nick tells him to put a dollar in the "douchebag jar."
Jess looks around the apartment, says it's hard to talk about her ex. Schmidt says Nick knows what that's like since he just got dumped too.
Flashback to Nick covering his ears and screaming while his girlfriend is breaking up with him.
Nick says he got dumped, but it was six months ago and he's over it, and wishes everyone would stop talking about it. He gets increasingly angrier as he says this, and then puts his head in his hands. Awkward.
Jess says she wants to live here. Nick says he still has some questions since they barely know her. Jess says she's still emotional from the breakup and will probably be watching Dirty Dancing six or seven times....per day. She says she is a teacher and will probably be bringing home a lot of Popsicle sticks and thing like that, and that she sings to herself a lot. Jess says she's tired of living with her friend who is a model, and that all of her friends are models. Schmidt's eyes light up and he asks Jess how soon she can move in.
The guys leave the room to discuss Jess moving in. Schmidt says yes right away, because Jess' friends are models. Coach votes no, because he needs to come home from work, sit on the couch, and "let his beans out." They give Nick the deciding vote. Nick says he respects both of their points, but that he has lived with a woman before and knows there are pros and cons. Pro - they smell nice. Con - their moods change for no reason. He begins rambling, all three of them start yelling, Schmidt decides to make an executive decision. She's in. This is met by a cheer from Jess, who was apparently listening at the door. She tells the guys they will not regret this.
Jess is sitting on the floor watching Dirty Dancing and crying. The three guys are standing there looking at her in disbelief.
Jess is laying on the couch talking to her mom on the phone. Schmidt tells Nick that the Wild West party is coming up on Saturday, but that Nick may have to call Caroline (Nick's ex) to get them in. Nick says he is not calling Caroline. Jess is now watching Dirty Dancing and crying again. Nick tells Schmidt that it's his fault and that she has been doing this now for a week straight and it's driving him crazy. Coach says he'll handle it. He sits next to Jess and sternly tells her to stop it. She just cries more. Coach calls Schmidt in for backup. Schmidt takes the remote from Jess and turns the TV off. He invites her out with them tonight, says they'll fix her up and get her a rebound. Jess says she doesn't know if she's ready. Schmidt says she is and that he'll be there to walk her through it. Jess says that sounds nice. She sings a quick song about herself going out to find a rebound.
Nick tells Schmidt he is not calling his ex to get him in to the Wild West party. Schmidt tells Nick they go every year and he really needs to go, and that Nick has no idea what he's been going through at work.
Quick cut to Schmidt at work being berated by a room full of screaming women.
Schmidt continues to try to convince Nick to call Caroline. Nick says he will not. Schmidt says he doesn't know why it's such a big deal, since Nick calls her all the time anyway when he's drunk.
Nick says he doesn't know what Schmidt is talking about.
Flashback to an obviously intoxicated Nick on the phone speaking in a British accent and professing his love to Caroline, and then crying.
Jess is in her room curling her hair. Coach comes in, breaking stuff with his basketball on the way, and tells Jess that his boss says he doesn't know how to talk to women, which he doesn’t understand.
Cut to Coach at work screaming in a woman's face until she is in tears.
Coach asks Jess if she can help him be able to talk to women. Jess agrees and tells Coach that he needs to talk to women about things they like to talk about, and to use her for practice. Coach says "shopping" and asks Jess if that's fun for women. Jess says yes, and tells him the other day she bought a pair of jeggings, which look like jeans but are really leggings. Coach looks confused, and then yells "who cares?" Jess says Coach should work on a few things: listening, lowering his voice, and rage.
Jess is about to give Coach more advice when he informs her that her hair is on fire.
All of the roommates are out at a bar. Jess sees a guy she thinks is cute, and Schmidt tells her that in order to get over Spenser, she is going to need to do "real bad" things to the guy. Schmidt tells her to go over next to the guy and smile. Jess smiles awkwardly a few times, the guys tell her "not like that" and to go for it. Jess approaches the guy and says "hey sailor!" in a goofy voice. Schmidt and Coach watch and cheer her on.
Two guys, one very loud and obnoxious, arrive and recognize Schmidt. Schmidt introduces them to Coach, who is not impressed. Coach leaves. Benjamin, the loud guy, asks Schmidt if he is going to the Wild West party on Saturday. Schmidt, who at this point is not going, downplays it as if it isn't a big deal and isn't going to be fun. Benjamin calls his bluff, and they leave.
Schmidt approaches Nick and begs him to call Caroline to get them into the Wild West party. Nick still refuses.
Nick and Jess are talking at the bar. Jess comments how they're a couple of losers who both got dumped.
Jess asks Nick why Caroline dumped him. Nick says he doesn't know. Jess says people who hold it in and pretend it didn't happen will grow old and go crazy. Peter, the less obnoxious of Schmidt's two friends, approaches Jess and asks what she's drinking. Nick sees what's happening, pretends to get a phone call, and leaves them alone.
Jess and Peter are hanging out in a booth talking and laughing. Schmidt and Coach are watching from across the room, saying Jess appears to be doing fine. Benjamin comes over and pokes fun at Schmidt for not going to the Wild West party. Schmidt gets upset and acts like he wants to fight. Nick comes over to relax and that they're going to the party. Nick has texted Caroline.
Jess comes back to the group as she is saying goodbye to Peter. Peter tells Jess he'll see her tomorrow, and leaves. Jess explains to the guys that she and Peter have a date tomorrow.
Jess' friend Cece is in the living room with the three guys while Jess is getting ready for her date. All three of them are visibly smitten with her. Schmidt takes his shirt off and begins flirting with Cece and acting like a buffoon. Nick gets the douchebag jar. Cece tells the guys that Jess is the best person she knows and that if they let anything bad happen to her, she will come here and kill them all.
Cece goes into Jess' room to find Jess laying on the floor. She has fallen in her heels. Jess is having doubts about going on the date. Cece talks her into going, but tells her she needs to change out of the overalls she is wearing. Jess doesn't know what to wear.
Cece comes out of Jess' room wearing the overalls, and Jess follows wearing the dress Cece was wearing. The guys are impressed...until Jess breaks into an impromptu dorky dance. Jess is excited, and the guys wish her well.
Coach, Schmidt, and Nick are at the Wild West party, dressed up like cowboys and Indians. Caroline is outside. Nick thanks her for getting them into the party. Caroline says to pay her back, he can stop prank calling her in a British accent. Caroline says she is almost done with her work outside and asks Nick if he wants to go grab a drink inside. He does. Then Nick asks Caroline why she dumped him. Caroline says she didn't realize he cared about her until they broke up.
Benjamin and Peter show up to the party. Nick asks Peter where Jess is. Peter says Jess texted her
seven times and that he just wanted to hook up. Nick asks Peter if he called Jess and canceled, or if he just ditched her. Peter makes it clear that he did not call her, then he and Benjamin go inside the party.
Caroline comes over and asks Nick if he's ready to go get a drink. Nick says no, that he has to go help a friend. Nick and Coach go to leave, Schmidt tries to stop them and keep them at the party, but they leave. After a few seconds of deliberation, Schmidt runs after them.
Jess is sitting alone in a restaurant. A waitress tells her she needs to give up the table. Nick, Coach, and Schmidt arrive and tell the waitress that they are Jess' dates. Nick tells Jess that Peter was a jerk. Jess starts to cry. The three guys begin singing "I've Had the Time of My Life" (poorly and loudly) to cheer her up. The waitress tells them all they have to leave.
The four roommates are at home on the couch watching Dirty Dancing. Jess thanks the guys for doing what they did for her tonight. Schmidt confesses that he would "totally do her." Jess calls for the douchebag jar. Share this article with your friends