The complete set of words on Michael's cue cards.
* Card 1
Hello, I am Michael Scott, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin, Scranton. By now you're probably sick of hearing about Dunder Mifflin and our embarrassing watermark boner.
* Card 2
I have literally apologized an infinite number of times over this, and still there are calls for me to resign, calls from an annoying woman and possibly even the media alike. Well, let me tell you something. Something from the heart. I will not resign. I am not
* Card 3
leaving this office. It will take a SWAT team to remove me from this office, and maybe not even then. There is no way I will resign. It wouldn't be fair. Not to the good workers I work with. Not to my clients. And especially not to me. Let's not forget who this resigning business is really all about.
* Card 4 (seen on screen but not read)
I need this job. My mortgage is hundreds of dollars a month. With this job I can barely cover that. I have a company car, but I still have to pay for gas. Gas prices are high and I have no savings whatsoever. And it wasn't even me. It's so not fair that they want me to resign.
* Card 5 (only partly visible, text implied by Michael's reading)
If I could leave you with one thought, remember, it wasn’t me. They are trying to make me an escape goat. If I am fired, I swear to god, that every single piece of copier paper in this town is going to have the F-word on it. The F-word. You have one day.
Michael: They're trying to make me an escape goat.
Jim: Last week I was in a drugstore, and I saw these glasses. Uh, four dollars. And it only cost me seven dollars to re-create the rest of the ensemble, and that's a grand total of... (adds up the sum on his calculator watch) ...eleven dollars.
Jim: Lord, beer me strength.
Dwight: I grew up on a farm. I have seen animals having sex in every position imaginable. Goat on chicken. Chicken on goat. Couple of chickens doing a goat, couple of pigs watching. Whoever drew this got it exactly right.
(Dwight enters the office dressed like Jim)
Pam: Hey Dwight. You look really nice today.
Dwight: (dismissive) I look like an idiot. Hey, Karen.
Karen: Hey, Dwight. Lookin’ sharp!
Dwight: Yeah, that’s ’cause I’m your boyfriend, Jim Halpert. Hey, Karen, wanna get together later and have sexual intercourse ’cause you’re my girlfriend?
Jim: (to Karen) Do you?
Karen: I’m good. Thanks.
(Dwight sits down and does some of Jim's quirks)
Jim: Look at that.
Dwight: I'm Jim Halpert.
Jim: Spot on.
Dwight: (Smiling at camera) Yuhh, little comment, mmmh.
Creed: The only difference between me and a homeless man is this job. I will do whatever it takes to survive. Like I did... when I was a homeless man.
Michael: We... are going to do everything humanly possible, to ensure that this never happens again.
Barbara: Well, it... it doesn't help, because it already happened to me.
Michael: The watermark... it's a one time thing.
Barbara: I don't care! It was disgusting! Cartoon characters having sex?
Dwight: May I point out that the sex appeared to be consensual? Both animals were smiling.
Jim: (impersonating Dwight, to Dwight) Fact - bears eat beets. Bears... beets... Battlestar Galactica.
Battlestar Galactica is the name of two separate science fiction television shows. The first aired 1978-1979, and the second began airing in 2003 and is currently still running.
This day is bananas, B-A-N-A-N-A-S...
Kelly is paraphrasing Gwen Stefani
's hit song, "Hollaback Girl."
Yes! You’re entering The No-Spin Zone.
The No-Spin Zone
is the name of a non-fiction book written by Bill O'Reilly
All you need to know how to do is pick up the phone and say, 'Customer Service, this is Kelly,' except don’t say Kelly. Say your own name. Or if you’re bored, you can just make up a name. Like one time, I said I was Bridget Jones, (adopts a fake British accent)
and I talked like this for the whole conversation.
Kelly is referring to the character Bridget Jones, from the novel and film, Bridget Jones' Diary
, written by Helen Fielding
Jim and Andy sing in the car
Andy sings "Drift Away" by Dobie Gray, and later he and Jim sing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight" by The Tokens
Here’s the thing. When a company screws up, best thing to do is to call a press conference. Alert the media, and then you control the story. Wait for them to find out, and the story controls you. That’s what happened to O.J.
Michael refers to former NFL football star O.J. Simpson
, who in 1994 was accused of murdering his ex-wife and her friend.
We have a lot of angry customers out there. This puts us at Threat Level Midnight.
Threat Level: Midnight
is the title of the screenplay Michael wrote (and the staff performed) in the Season Two episode, "The Client
When I went over Wednesday, for the spot-check, I got a call from Debbie Brown, saying she has an emergency dentist appointment.
Emergency dentist appointment.
This is reminiscent of the time Dwight told Michael he had an emergency dentist appointment to sneak away from work in the Season Three episode, "The Coup