Answering Machine Message: Hi! This is the Happy Pet Clinic. Your father gave us this number when he left town. The calico stray had six kittens – please come get them... today!
Jim: How much?!?
Charlie Baylock: A little over five hundred thousand. I stole it three years ago.
Jim: Well, put it back!! It makes me nervous!
Jim: I like to run my finger around the edge of something before I decide.
Jim: Just think of me as the bright light in Seawell’s next quarterly statement.
(Lucy Carbone, Sandy’s kidnapper, calls Jim.)
Lucy: Who is this?
Jim: I’m the guy who stumbled into the Halloween party and I’m the guy you’re going to have to negotiate this transaction with.
Lucy: I’m not dealing with no middle man!
Jim: Fact number one is, I’m very fond of Sandy, but I’m not altogether sure she’s worth a half million dollars.
Lucy: C’mon... who are you kidding?
Jim: Fact number two is, I helped Charlie boost this dough three years ago, so I’ve got a half interest in it. Now, I may be willing to trade that away, but only on my terms. I’m not gonna do any deal and then end up with a stiff.
Lucy: I don’t believe you.
Jim: Then take a hike. (He hangs up the phone.)
(Lucy calls back.)
Jim: You keep getting this thing backwards. I’m doing the talking, you’re doing the listening.
Lucy: Um hmm. And you could end up getting part of this broad back in the mail.
Jim: That’d be stupid. I don’t pay on damaged goods.
Lucy: (backing down) Anything else?
Jim: Yeah. I pick the place, and there’s gotta be a lot of people around.
Lucy: That can’t be arranged.
Jim: What a shame. (He hangs up the phone again.)
(Lucy calls back a third time.)
Lucy: What’s with you, anyway? Will you quit hanging the damn phone up?
Jim: Well, you just don’t seem to be getting it right. Now, this thing is going to happen the way I say or it’s not going to happen at all! Capiche?
Lucy: Look, it’s not supposed to go down this way.
Jim: (resignedly) Okay... (He starts to hang up the phone.)
Lucy: Don’t hang up. Okay???
Jim: Alright, get a pencil, I’m going to give you an address...
Lieutenant Dan Hall: Well, now, yesterday you got yourself in a heap of trouble, son.
Jim: (sarcastically) Well, gee, Dad, how’d I do that?!?
Lieutenant Dan Hall: You do that by contacting a man by the name of Max Steinberg and offering to return stolen money. That makes you an accessory after the fact in a robbery.
Jim: Well, let’s look at the facts, Lieutenant. The statute of limitations ran out on that crime at midnight, the night before I talked to Mr. Steinberg. Now, since the statute of limitations ran out that means there is no more crime, therefore I cannot be an accessory. Now, you look that up...
Lieutenant Dan Hall: Well, I don’t know who’s on the clock for your team, but if I were you I’d get a new timekeeper. That statute, on that crime, doesn’t run out until midnight tonight.
Jim: I don’t believe that.
Lieutenant Dan Hall: Of course not. I’m lying to you because I want to get stabbed with a false arrest beef.
Jim: Calm down, Lieutenant. They’re gonna take you home in a respirator!
Becker: You know, I ought to jump all over you.
Jim: Now, listen, Dennis...
Becker: No, you listen! What’s the idea of sitting on kidnappings?