Sarah: I sure hope I don't have AIDS. I know I don't have AIDS, I just... I woke up feeling so poopy this morning and I just wanted good news, you know?
Nurse: Alright, I just need to go down a quick checklist. Have you ever had unprotected sex?
Sarah: Errrr, is there any other kind?
Nurse: How many times have you had unprotected sex?
Sarah: Errr... (writes it down)
Nurse: There're... two numbers here.
Sarah: Oh, that's for the front.
Nurse: But they're the same number...
Sarah: I know, I'm kinda OCD like that.
Nurse: Did you ever have a blood transfusion in the 80s?
Nurse: You did? You had a transfusion in the 80s?
Sarah: Oh! No! I thought you said in Haiti!
Nurse: How long were you in Haiti?
Sarah: Uhh... I dunno, it's kinda hard to say, I was doing a lot of heroin at the time.
Nurse: Forgive me but I'm compelled to ask you... were you trying to get HIV?
Sarah: I have AIDS...
Nurse: No. No, no, no, the blood test results will tell us that for sure if you're positive. This survey just lets people in the lab know they might want to wear extra gloves.
Sarah: I have to say goodbye to my friends.
Nurse: You should really wait for your blood test results before you do that.
Sarah: Spoken like a person with all the time in the world.
Brian: Is there somethin' on your mind?
Sarah: Nothing more important than anything else, Brian. How are all of you?
Jay: Well, it's my birthday today and tonight we are going to...
Sarah: I have AIDS.
Jay: You have what?
Sarah: AIDS, Jay. Billions of them. I guess you guys aren't alone anymore.
Brian: What? Sarah, just because we're gay doesn't men we have AIDS.
Laura: Sarah, you can't be serious?
Sarah: Can't I? AIDS is real, Laura. It doesn't only exist in award winning films and TV shows.
Jay: So you're sure you're HIV positive?
Sarah: I will be at 7 when I get my results.
Laura: Sarah, you really scared us!
Jay: What kind of maniac waltzes into a brunch and eclipses a man's first birthday with the mere possibility of having AIDS?!
Sarah: (to schoolkids) You're invincible, huh? I was that way once. I knew it all! Nothing could touch me. Yeah, sure, I did some drinkin', some druggin'... tried it in the butt one or nine times. Just Teflon or so I thought. It never occurred to me that I could get AIDS.
Sarah: Hi, I'm Sarah Silverman and if there's one thing I know, it's that AIDS is real. Dead real. Over 50 billion people get HIV every day. That's one out of three people so look to your left and look to your right and if you don't see someone with AIDS, you're probably the one.
Sarah: People, we have a chance to make change. Okay? If we can put a man on the moon, we can put a man with AIDS on the moon. And then some day, we can put everyone with AIDS on the moon.
Jay: Listen, I-I wanted to say sorry about the stuff I said about Sarah. Uh, I guess I was just feeling bad for myself.
Laura: No, you were right. I've been thinking and I need to be a lot tougher with her. I think that Sarah acted like a total pube.
Sarah: I learned so much today, Doug. I learned that I should look before I leap. And I learned that... that for some reason, people bring tomatoes to AIDS rallies which was weird. But most of all, I learned that prejudice is ugly, it's wrong to judge people based on whether or not they have AIDS. I mean, you don't have AIDS and I love you just as much as if you did. More even. And any rate, I did get rid of my blahs. Good night, Doug.