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The Sarah Silverman Program :: Humanitarian of the Year (01x02)
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Episode Information |
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| Title: | Humanitarian of the Year |
| Episode #: | 01x02 |
| Production Number: | 106 |
| Original Airdate: | Thursday February 08th, 2007 |
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Episode Summary |
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As Jay is set to pick up a humanitarian award, Sarah attempts to outdo him by taking in a homeless person. Steve is repeatedly punched and becomes annoyed that Brian won't use his karate skills to protect him.
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Guest Stars |
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Episode Quotes |
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Fred Blorth: Sarah Silverman?
Sarah: Gross homeless guy?
Fred Blorth: It's Fred Blorth, Valley Village High.
Sarah: Wow! I remember you, Fred Blorth, wow, how are you?
Fred Blorth: Well, I'm homeless.
Sarah: Oh, right, good, great, great.
Fred Blorth: Actually, it's pretty awful.
| Sarah: (to Fred) God, great to see you. I gotta get to brunch, there's a stack of pancakes looking for a home.
| Laura: Jay is receiving the Humanitarian of the Year award for his work with blind kids.
Jay: Yeah, you know, if I could just help one blind kid...
Sarah: Then what?
Jay: Err, well, then I, it would, I'd, it's good.
Brian: That's awesome, man.
Sarah: I must be like the blind children because I don't see what the big deal is.
| Sarah: I think it's funny. I mean if anyone should get a humanitarian award, it's me!
Jay: You?! What for?!
Sarah: Hmmm, let me think, uhh, maybe because I took in a homeless man?
| Sarah: Well, he's out now and I've taken him under my wing. I'm gonna change him from a homeless person to a real person. But don't give me an award, it would cheapen it. I better go, homeless don't crap themselves.
Brian: Yeah, they do.
Sarah: Exactly.
| Sarah: I remember that about his mother. She like queefed with every step. How do you even do that? I did it once by accident, I had this really big sneeze and it just happened. It was humiliating. See you next week, Pat.
| Sarah: No, I just wanted to get some brunch but I'm full now so, um, I'm gonna take you home with me.
Fred Blorth: Really?
Sarah: Yeah!
Fred Blorth: Why?
Sarah: Hmmm, I'm not a religious person but... God. Probably.
Fred Blorth: I don't know what to say.
Sarah: Don't say anything. Just gather up your rotten banana peel and your jar of some weird liquid and come with me.
| Fred Blorth: I don't mean to bother you but uhh, do you think I could get some food?
Sarah: I thought this might happen. Fred, if I feed you then you're gonna learn that food is just this free thing that-that you don't have to earn and in a way, it's gonna make you homelesser.
| Sarah: (sings) Nobody believed I could be so kind, took in a homeless man and eased his mind.
Fred Blorth: (sings) I'm in debt to you...
Sarah: Shhh, this isn't a duet.
| Sarah: I'm gonna do something else important, too.
Laura: What?
Sarah: I'll give you two hints, it's yellow and it's pee pee.
Laura: Oh, going to the bathroom?
| Sarah: Let me ask you something. If you're such a ghost, then why don't you talk like (in a ghostly voice) thiiiiis?
The Ghost: That is a crude stereotype. Talking like that to a ghost would be like saying the N word to a black person.
Sarah: Oh, really? Well, interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the holocaust never happened so I guess we're (in a ghostly voice) eeeeeeeven.
| The Ghost: Sarah, I'm trying to warn you.
Sarah: Do you see that I'm on the phone?
The Ghost: But I keep trying and you won't listen.
Sarah: Jesus, you're a dead woman but you're acting like a dead baby!
| Fred Blorth: IT WAS PRIVATE!
Sarah: Ugh, ohh! Say it, don't spray it! God! I want the news not the weather. You know what, Fred? If you're gonna be all weird and creepy, maybe you should just pack up your cardboard box and go home.
| The Ghost: Twenty years ago, he went crazy and he killed me.
Sarah: Because of all the queefing?
The Ghost: Yes. Look, it was the 70s, everyone was doing it. Sarah, you must queef!
Sarah: What?!
The Ghost: It's his only weakness. The sound of it renders him helpless, it's the only thing that can save you.
Sarah: No, I don't do that!
The Ghost: You must, it's your only chance!
Sarah: Eww, so gross!
| The Ghost: If you don't then he will kill you and you'll wind up a ghost like me - is that what you want?
Sarah: No, you're totally annoying!
| The Ghost: What's going on?!
Sarah: Your son's getting his ass kicked by my gay friend.
| Sarah: Wow, Doug, a lot of stuff happened today. I learned that gay guys love karate but they are so unpredictable, like, for when they're gonna use it. I also learned that if you open your heart and help people, they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death. And it's sad. I don't get it, why do you have a boner?
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