Fred Blorth: Sarah Silverman?
Sarah: Gross homeless guy?
Fred Blorth: It's Fred Blorth, Valley Village High.
Sarah: Wow! I remember you, Fred Blorth, wow, how are you?
Fred Blorth: Well, I'm homeless.
Sarah: Oh, right, good, great, great.
Fred Blorth: Actually, it's pretty awful.
Sarah: (to Fred) God, great to see you. I gotta get to brunch, there's a stack of pancakes looking for a home.
Laura: Jay is receiving the Humanitarian of the Year award for his work with blind kids.
Jay: Yeah, you know, if I could just help one blind kid...
Sarah: Then what?
Jay: Err, well, then I, it would, I'd, it's good.
Brian: That's awesome, man.
Sarah: I must be like the blind children because I don't see what the big deal is.
Sarah: I think it's funny. I mean if anyone should get a humanitarian award, it's me!
Jay: You?! What for?!
Sarah: Hmmm, let me think, uhh, maybe because I took in a homeless man?
Sarah: Well, he's out now and I've taken him under my wing. I'm gonna change him from a homeless person to a real person. But don't give me an award, it would cheapen it. I better go, homeless don't crap themselves.
Brian: Yeah, they do.
Sarah: I remember that about his mother. She like queefed with every step. How do you even do that? I did it once by accident, I had this really big sneeze and it just happened. It was humiliating. See you next week, Pat.
Sarah: No, I just wanted to get some brunch but I'm full now so, um, I'm gonna take you home with me.
Fred Blorth: Really?
Fred Blorth: Why?
Sarah: Hmmm, I'm not a religious person but... God. Probably.
Fred Blorth: I don't know what to say.
Sarah: Don't say anything. Just gather up your rotten banana peel and your jar of some weird liquid and come with me.
Fred Blorth: I don't mean to bother you but uhh, do you think I could get some food?
Sarah: I thought this might happen. Fred, if I feed you then you're gonna learn that food is just this free thing that-that you don't have to earn and in a way, it's gonna make you homelesser.
Sarah: (sings) Nobody believed I could be so kind, took in a homeless man and eased his mind.
Fred Blorth: (sings) I'm in debt to you...
Sarah: Shhh, this isn't a duet.
Sarah: I'm gonna do something else important, too.
Sarah: I'll give you two hints, it's yellow and it's pee pee.
Laura: Oh, going to the bathroom?
Sarah: Let me ask you something. If you're such a ghost, then why don't you talk like (in a ghostly voice) thiiiiis?
The Ghost: That is a crude stereotype. Talking like that to a ghost would be like saying the N word to a black person.
Sarah: Oh, really? Well, interrupting a Jewish person while she's urinating is like saying the holocaust never happened so I guess we're (in a ghostly voice) eeeeeeeven.
The Ghost: Sarah, I'm trying to warn you.
Sarah: Do you see that I'm on the phone?
The Ghost: But I keep trying and you won't listen.
Sarah: Jesus, you're a dead woman but you're acting like a dead baby!
Fred Blorth: IT WAS PRIVATE!
Sarah: Ugh, ohh! Say it, don't spray it! God! I want the news not the weather. You know what, Fred? If you're gonna be all weird and creepy, maybe you should just pack up your cardboard box and go home.
The Ghost: Twenty years ago, he went crazy and he killed me.
Sarah: Because of all the queefing?
The Ghost: Yes. Look, it was the 70s, everyone was doing it. Sarah, you must queef!
The Ghost: It's his only weakness. The sound of it renders him helpless, it's the only thing that can save you.
Sarah: No, I don't do that!
The Ghost: You must, it's your only chance!
Sarah: Eww, so gross!
The Ghost: If you don't then he will kill you and you'll wind up a ghost like me - is that what you want?
Sarah: No, you're totally annoying!
The Ghost: What's going on?!
Sarah: Your son's getting his ass kicked by my gay friend.
Sarah: Wow, Doug, a lot of stuff happened today. I learned that gay guys love karate but they are so unpredictable, like, for when they're gonna use it. I also learned that if you open your heart and help people, they're gonna eventually try to stab you to death. And it's sad. I don't get it, why do you have a boner?