Episode Quotes
Lisa: Why don’t you go see Grandpa?
Bart: What can he do?
Lisa: He’ll give you good advice. He’s the toughest Simpson alive.
Bart: He is?
Lisa: Yeah! Remember the fight he put up when we put him in the home?
Grampa: Dear Advertisers, I am disgusted with the way old people are depicted on television. We are not all vibrant, fun loving, sex maniacs. Many of us are bitter, resentful individuals, who remember the good old days when entertainment was bland and inoffensive. The following is a list of words I never want to hear on television again. Number one, bra. Number two, horny. Number three, family jewels.
Herman: Uh. Hello young American.
Bart: Hello sir. Uh, Mr. Herman?
Herman: Yes?
Bart: (stumbles) Did you lose your arm in the war?
Herman: My arm? Well let me put it this way. Next time your teacher tells you to keep your arm inside the bus window, you do it.
Bart: Yes sir. I will.
Bart: What’s the matter with you, soldier?
Boy: It’s my nerves sir, I just can’t stand the barking anymore.
Bart: Your nerves? (slaps the boy) I won’t have cowards in my army.
Abe: (slaps Bart on the back of his head) Sorry Bart. You can push them out of a plane, you can march them off a cliff, you can send them off to die on some god forsaken rock, but for some reason, you can’t slap 'em. Now apologize to that boy right now!
Otto: Good bye little dude. He looks so life like man.
Skinner: Yes, the school nurse did a wonderful job reconstructing his little face after the fight.
(Otto leaves)
Skinner: (to dead Bart) Goodbye son. I guess you're right, all that homework was a waste of your time.
(School bell rings)
Skinner: Uh-oh, there’s your bell. Come along now, all of you. No dawdling, now.
Nelson: I’ll get you after school, man.
Bart: But--
Skinner: O no no no, he’ll get you after school son, now hurry up, it’s time for class.
(Bart leads his "troops" in marching song)
Bart: I got a "B" in arithmetic.
Troops: I got a "B" in arithmetic.
Bart: Would've got an "A" but I was sick.
Troops: Would've got an "A" but I was sick.
Bart: We are rubber, you are glue.
Troops: We are rubber, you are glue.
Bart: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
Troops: It bounces off of us and sticks to you.
Bart: Sound off.
Troops: One, Two.
Bart: Sound off.
Troops: Three, Four.
Bart: In English class I did the best.
Troops: In English class I did the best.
Bart: Because I cheated on the test.
Troops: Because I cheated on the test.
Bart: Sound off.
Troops: One, two.
Bart: I can't hear you!
Troops: Three, four!
Bart: We are happy, we are merry.
Troops: We are happy, we are merry.
Bart: We got a rhyming dictionary.
Troops: We got a rhyming dictionary.
Bart: Sound off.
Troops: One, two.
Bart: One more time!
Troops: Three, four.
Bart: Bring it on home now!
All: One, two, three, four. One, two...three, four!
(Lisa makes some cupcakes for her teacher)
Bart: You know, there are names for people like you.
Lisa: No, there aren't.
Bart: Teacher's pet, apple polisher, butt kisser--
Homer: Bart! You're saying "butt kisser" like it's a bad thing.
Bart: Huh?
(Homer pats his leg and Bart sits on his lap)
Homer: Well, you see, boy, it never hurts to grease the wheels a little.
Lisa: I'm not greasing the wheels, Dad. I like my teacher.
Homer: Sure, Lis. You see how it works, Bart? A cupcake here, a good grade there.
Lisa: Dad, I get good grades 'cause I'm smart and I pay attention and I study hard.
Homer: Yeah, right, Lisa. It's the three roads to success, Bart: work, brains and--
(Homer grabs one of Lisa's cupcakes)
Homer: Hmm?
Lisa: Oh, brother.