Chalkboard: The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy

Marge: Bart... I'm going to get you..... some ice cream at the store since I'm saving so much money on Diet Cola!
Ned: Say your prayers, Simpson... Because the schools can't force you like they should!... Maude, these new finger razors make hedge trimming as much fun as sitting through church!
Edna: You're going to be my murder victim... BART! In our school production of Lizzy Borden, starring Martin Prince as Lizzy!
Martin: Forty whacks with a wet noodle, Bart!

Agent: Tell you what, sir. From now on, you'll be, uh, Homer Thompson at Terror Lake. Let's just practice a bit, hmm? When I say,"Hello, Mr. Thompson," you'll say, "Hi."
Homer: Check.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
Homer: (stares blankly)
Agent: Remember now, your name is Homer Thompson.
Homer: I gotcha.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson.
(Homer stares blankly)
(A long time later)
Agent: (sighs in frustration) Now, when I say, "Hello, Mr. Thompson," and press down on your foot, you smile and nod.
Homer: No problem.
Agent: Hello, Mr. Thompson! (stomps on Homer's foot a few times)
Homer: (stares blankly) (to other agent) I think he's talking to YOU.

Bart/Lisa: Aah! Sideshow Bob!
Bart: You wrote me those letters!
Marge: You awful man! Stay away from my son.
Bob: Oh, I'll stay away from your son, all right. (evilly) Stay away...forever!
Homer: (quaking) No!
Bob: Wait a minute, that's no good. (Starts to walk away, then runs back) Wait! I've got a good one now. Marge, say, "Stay away from my son," again.
Marge: (angrily) No!
Bob: (groaning) Oh...

Chief Wiggum: I'd like to help you ma'am, but, heh heh, I'm afraid there's no law against mailing threatening letters.
Marge: (indignantly) I'm pretty sure there is.
Chief Wiggum: Hah! The day I take cop lessons from Ma Kettle --
Lou: Hey, she's right, Chief. (shows him "Springfield Law")
Chief Wiggum: Well, shut my mouth. It's ALSO illegal to put squirrels down your pants for the purposes of gambling.
(Shot of Eddie the cop with squirrels running around in his pants, and a bunch of cops watching and laughing) Boys, knock it off!