Chalkboard: My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man

Couch: The family run in from the side past a repeating background shot of the couch and TV.

Grampa: Welcome home, son. I broke two lamps and lost all your mail. What's wrong with your wife?
Homer: Nevermind, you wouldn't understand.
Grampa: Flu?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Protein deficiency?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis?
Homer: No.
Grampa: Unsatisfying sex life?
Homer: N- yes. But please, don't you say that word.
Grampa: What, seeex? What's so unappealing about hearing your elderly father talk about sex? I had seeeeex.

Bart: No offense, Homer, but your half-assed under-parenting was a lot more fun than your half-assed over-parenting.
Homer: But I'm using my whole ass.
Lisa: Dad, it's just that too much of your love can really be...scary.
Homer: Some day you'll thank me for all this scary love. But now I've gotta go somewhere and do some serious thinking.
(Homer gets in the car and drives off.)
Bart: I'm sure he meant to say "serious drinking."
Lisa: That's what I assumed.

Bart: Okay, it's now painfully clear. The adults are definitely paving the way for an invasion by the saucer people.
Milhouse: You fool! Can't you see it's a massive government conspiracy? Or have they gotten to you too?
(He leaps on Bart and they start grappling on the floor.)
Lisa: Hey! Hey! Hey! Stop it! Stop it! Why are you guys jumping to such ridiculous conclusions?! Haven't you ever heard of Occam's Razor? The simplest explanation is probably the correct one!
Bart: So what's the simplest explanation?
Lisa: (Sarcastically) I don't know, maybe they're all reverse vampires and they have to get home before dark!
Everyone: Aaah! Reverse vampires!