Chalkboard: I did not invent Irish dancing

Couch: The family sits; an auto-crusher compresses them all into a rectangular block.

Lisa: What position have you got for me?
(The kids gasps)
Lisa: That's right. A girl who wants to play football. How about that?
Ned: Well, thats super-duper, Lisa. We've already got four girls on the team.
Lisa: You do?
Ned: Uh huh. But we'd love to have you on board!
Lisa: Well...football's not really my thing. After all...what kind of civilized person would play a game with the skin of an innocent pig?!
Ned: Well, actually, Lisa, these balls are synthetic!
Janey: And for every ball you buy, a dollar goes to Amnesty International!
Lisa: (Crying) I've gotta go!

Bart: It's gonna take a miracle for me to become a good quarterback!
Joe Namath: Excuse me, son.
Bart: Wow! Joe Namath!
Joe Namath: That's right. My car broke down in front of your house.
Bart: I cannot believe you are here! Do you think maybe you could give me some pointers?
Joe Namath: Sure! There's only one thing you need to know to be a great quarterback.
Mrs. Namath: Joe, honey, I fixed it! It was just vapor lock!
Joe Namath: OK, look, I've gotta run. Remember what I told you!

(Homer praises Bart for his play and the rallying of the troops, failing to realize his son's mistakes resulted in a lopsided loss)
Homer: Hey everybody! Lets hear it for Bart!
(Bart's teammates glare at him menacingly)
Bart: (Meekly) Give me a "B"?
Nelson: I won't give you a "B", but I'll tear you a new "A"!
Millhouse: If I wasn't your friend, I'd tell you, you sucked!
Terri: You ruined our undefeated season! You ruined everything! Ruiner!
(Nelson grabs Bart by the jersey)
Nelson: Listen here daddy's boy. You cost us one more game and you're dead.
(Nelson shoves Bart face first into the mud)
Ralph: You're going to heaven!

(in the car)
Bart: But I can't play quarterback! I don't even know how!
Homer: Son, you can do anything you want. I have total faith in you.
Bart: Since when?
Homer: Since your mother yelled at me. Now, how about that hug?
(Homer hugs Bart)
Bart: Dad! The car!
Lisa: I got it.

Marge: He's going to need, uh… you know, protection.
Guy: Sure… one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more of… protection… down there
Guy: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads. You got it.
Marge: (very laughs nervously) I'm talking about his personal area.
Guy: Ah ha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup
Guy: Cup, could you spell that?
Marge: Cee Yuu Pee I wanna Cee Yu…oh my god!

Marge: He's going to need, uh… you know, protection.
Guy: Sure… one helmet coming up.
Marge: I was thinking more of… protection… down there
Guy: Oh, why didn't you say so? Knee pads. You got it.
Marge: (very laughs nervously) I'm talking about his personal area.
Guy: Ah ha. Say no more. I read you loud and clear. The old shoulder pads.
Marge: Look, I want a cup
Guy: Cup, could you spell that?
Marge: Cee Yuu Pee I wanna Cee Yu…oh my god!