Gibson: Come on Homer; let's just give them the stupid movie!
Homer: Movies aren't stupid. They fill us with romance and hatred and revenge fantasies. Lethal Weapon taught us that suicide is funny!
Gibson: That really wasn't my intention...
Homer: And before “Lethal Weapon 2,” I didn't know there could be a bomb on my toilet and now I check every time!
Marge: It's true, he does!
Gibson: Movies really mean that much to you Homer?
Homer: They're my only escape from the drudgery of work and family. No offense!
Marge: Boy, that quiet engine sure makes conversation a lot easier.
Homer: Yeah, it's got a lot of other problems, too.
Lisa: Look, Dad, you're heading for the harbor!
Homer: Relax; we're in an electric car. (Homer drives off the pier, landing in the harbor. The car is unfazed.) See? Everything's fine. (gasps) Dolphins! (the dolphins swim too close to the car, and are zapped) Oopsie. (a group of mermaids swim up) Hi, girls! (they meet the same fate as the dolphins) Aw. (the family drives up onto dry land) Salt water seems to be good for it. (The car blows up.)
Gibson: You want me to replace the villain with a dog? I mean nobody will know what's going on.
Homer: They will if you set up that the dog is evil. All you do is have to show him doing this. (lowers eyelids and glances around in shifty-eyed fashion) The people will suspect the dog.
Gibson: Maybe this wasn't a good idea, Homer. I'm sorry I dragged you out here. Let me pay your bus fare home.
Homer: Uh, uh, uh. Now here's your biggest problem of all.
Gibson: The filibuster scene? That was Jimmy Stewart's favorite.
Homer: And it was fine for the 1930s; the country was doing great back then. Everyone was into talking. But now, in whatever year this is, the audience wants action. And seats with beverage holders. But mainly action.
Gibson: You really think it's boring?
Homer: Oh, Mel, it's the most boring piece of garbage I've ever seen. And it's not easy for me to say that.
Gibson: Hmm. I guess it is a little flat. Okay, let's reshoot the ending. I'll call the hair and makeup ladies, and you see if the Teamsters will work for free.
Homer: Piece of cake. Now where's that kid with my latte?
(Mel and Homer prepare to show the new, improved "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." As it begins, Gibson, as Mr. Smith, is nearing the end of his filibuster speech.)
Gibson: Well, I'm not licked. I'm going to stay here and fight for this lost cause. Somebody will listen to me. Somebody will ... (collapses on the floor)
Payne: I believe the Senator has yielded the floor.
Gibson (wakes up): Yield this, Senator Payne.
(He throws an American flag like a javelin, striking Payne. He falls on his desk, the flagpole now standing upright. Gibson grabs two other senators and slams their heads inside two desks.)
Gibson: I move, we impose some serious term limits.
Homer: (from the press gallery) I second that motion. (holds up a rifle) With a vengeance! (tosses rifle to Gibson)
(Catching the rifle, Gibson jumps up on a table and quips, "All in favor, say die." Then, spinning around on a table like Curly, the guns down most of the senators. The Senate leader complains that Gibson's actions are "highly unorthodox," and pounds a gavel. Gibson throws a fire extinguisher under the gavel, and when the leader hits it, it explodes. The explosion fills the building with smoke, and sends the statue on top of the Capitol Dome into the river. Just then, an aristocratic man storms in and identifies himself as the President of the United States. He demands to know what all the commotion is about. Gibson rips the National Seal down from the wall, and tosses it at the President, slicing off his head. The head lands at Gibson's feet. He picks it up and grimly says, "Happy Birthday, Mr. President." A crowd of happy schoolchildren bursts in and carries Gibson off, cheering. Gibson takes his badge, and throws it into the dead Payne's hand. Payne's hand clutches it, and then relaxes. The lettering on the badge is changed to, "The End." The lights come up in the screening room.)
Gibson: Pretty cool, huh?
Christian: You, uh, you chopped off the President's head.
Gibson: Bet you didn't see that coming.
Hannah: You impaled a United States Senator with the American flag.
Milo: Why did Mr. Smith kill everybody?
Homer: It was symbolism. He was mad.
Christian: But this was going to be the studio's prestige picture, like "Howard's End" or "Sophie's Choice."
Homer: Ugh. Those movies sucked. I only saw them to get Marge into the sack. (sotto voce) P. S.: Mission accomplished. (high-fives Gibson)
Christian: But we already bought five Golden Globe awards.
Gibson: I don't make movies to win awards. (holds up two Oscar statuettes; speaks in sotto voice) Especially now that I have two Oscars. (normal voice) I make movies for guys like him.
Homer: Yeah, guys like me.
Christian: Who are you, anyway?
Homer: Do the words Executive Producer mean anything to you?
Gibson: Executive Producer?
Homer: We'll talk.
Christian (takes film off the projector): You desecrated a classic film. This is worse than "Godfather III."
Gibson: Whoa, whoa, hey, whoa! Let's not say things we can't take back.
Christian: All right, all right, I'm sorry. But this film is never going to see the light of day.
(He takes a lighter to the film, intending to set it aflame. Gibson and Homer gasp.)
Gibson (pointing out the window): Look -- they're towing away a Range Rover.
(Christian, Milo, and Hannah run to the window to look.)
Hannah: There's no --
Gibson: (grabbing film) Yoink! C'mon Homer, we've got a movie to premiere.
Homer: Woo hoo!
(Gibson and Homer beat a hasty retreat.)
Christian: We've got to get that film back or we're all going to get fired, you know what I mean?