Chalkboard: I will stop phoning it in

Couch: A psychiatrist (who looks like a caricature of Sigmund Freud) is sitting in a chair next to the couch. Homer hops on the couch and yells, "Oh, doctor, I'm crazy!", then sobs as the other family members stare sadly at each other

Bart: (Holding up skateboard) Satan, eat my shorts!
(Crowd cheers)
Bart: (Singing) I was a sinner, a real bad kid.
What thou shalt not, I shalt did.
Neighbor's cat I tried to neuter,
Took a whiz on the school's computer.
Sherri & Terri: He took a whiz, oh, yes he did.
Bart: But now I changed, you can't deny.
Come on up, and testify.
Sherri & Terri: Testify, testify, come on up and testify!
Grampa: My hip's misbehavin'.
(Bart knocks his cane away.)
Grampa: Hey!
Sherri & Terri: Testify!
Patty: Got a nicotine cravin'.
(Bart slaps away the cigarettes.)
Sherri & Terri: Testify!
Professor Frink: Got a cramp in my glavin.
(Bart kicks Frink's rump.)
Professor Frink: Oy!
Bart: Testify!
All: Testify! Testify!
(Bart dramatically holds up two lit Roman candles, one in each hand. The flames shoot off to his sides.)

Lovejoy: Am I boring you, Bart?
Bart: Well, to be honest, yes.
Lovejoy: Hey, I'm doing the best with the material I have.
Bart: But church can be fun! (everyone laughs) No, really, it can be a crazy party, with clouds and lasers and miracles.
Homer: And chili fries!
Bart: A real preacher knows how to bring the Bible alive, through music, and dancing, and Tae-Bo! (begins Tae-Bo-ing)
Sideshow Mel: He's kicking it old-school!

Lisa: Bart, I hope you don't believe your own hype.
Bart: Number of miracles performed by Bart: Two. Number of miracles performed by Lisa: Zero.
Lisa: How can you believe all this mumbo-jumbo? The bucket came off Dad's head because the bright lights heated it, causing the metal to expand.
Bart: Heat makes metal expand. Now who's talking mumbo-jumbo?

Homer: Poor guy... he lost his leg.
Dr. Hibbert: Oh, no, no. The fans will whoop it up with that tonight -- you know, drink beer out of it and so on -- but, uh, it'll turn up in the morning, and I'll sew it back on.
Marge: Will that really work?
Dr. Hibbert: Well, I assume so... as long as I have Bart's healing powers...
Bart: Why won't anybody listen to me? I don't have any special powers. I am not a healer!
Dr. Hibbert: Fine. More money for me.

Kent: Big game fever is taking a fevered pitch as the fevered rivalry between Springfield U and Springfield A&M spreads like wild fever. This, this is writing?
Nephew: I'm sorry, Uncle Kent. I lost my thesaurus.
Kent: Ugh, thesaurus, you'll lose more than that…..In preparation for the big game, Springfield Stadium has caught additional seating capacity fever. Arrgh!