Homer: I'll have you know I've been taking steps to become a better parent, I've been taking care of this bag of sugar for a week. (Homer picks up a covered sack and opens it, but discovers that it's a baby girl.)
Homer: What the...where's my sugar?
(Cut to Cletus's house. Cletus is bouncing the bag of sugar on his knee.)
Cletus: Condolezza Marie ain't too playful tonight.
Brandine: (Dips her finger into the bag and tastes it.) And I don't recall her bein' this granulated.
Fat Woman: Can I put your baby in my coffee?
Cletus: Now, now, the doctor said that if you eat any more baby, they're going to take your foot.
Lawyer: (holding a Bart doll) Bart, using this doll, tell the court where your father took money from you.
(Bart pulls out the pockets of the doll.)
Bart: Here and here.
Lawyer: Let the record show that he pulled out the little pockets of the doll.
(Homer lowers in his seat nervously.)
Lawyer: Mr. Simpson, your son alleges that you have an anger management problem.
Homer: Why you little! I...uh, I'm sorry, judge. That's a rare lapse in my normally calm demeanor.
Judge Harm: Could the stonographer please read back the previous statement?
Stonographer: Why you little...
Homer: Why you little!
Homer: Why you little! (to Judge Harm) Why you little!
(Judge Harm draws Homer being hanged.)
Baliff: All rise for the verdict.
Homer: Son, I just want you to know, whatever that judge decides, I'm gonna be the best dad I can.
Judge Harm: No judge would send a pre-teen out on his own.
Homer: WOO-HOO! YOU'RE STILL MINE! AND YOU THOUGHT I WAS A BAD DAD BEFORE!
Judge Harm: Except in this case!
(Homer pulls his shirt collar nervously and cringes.)
Judge Harm: That boy is about as safe living with you as a crawdad in a gumbo shack. Bart Simpson, I declare you emancipated. Further, I hereby garnish Homer's wages until Bart is fully repaid.
Judge: That means half your paycheck goes to Bart.
Homer: What the...half goes to Bart, half goes to my Vegas wife? What's left for Moe?
Marge: Homer, don't make things worse!
Homer: I'LL SHOW YOU WORSE! (he screams and runs towards Judge Harm. The baliff catches him and drags him out) I WAS TOLD THIS WOULD BE TELEVISED!
Bart: How could you make me Baby Stink-Breath and not even tell me?
Homer: I was going to tell you on my deathbed.
Marge: Honey, you did have a great time doing those commercials, and you made a lot of money.
Bart: I did? Where is it?
Marge: Your father invested it in the college trust fund which, today, must be worth a fo…
Homer: La la la la la la la la la!
Marge (groans): Of course, the stock market's been down lately, but their must be some sort of…
Homer: La la la la la la la la nothing left la la la oh.
Bart: You spent all the money I earned?
Homer: I needed it. I had to buy back some incriminating photos. Look.
(Flips through photos of Homer holding Bart over a railing)
Homer: See, you're fine, and then, whoops! Uh-oh! Look out! Oh! I know this looks bad but if you reverse it, daddy's a hero. See? Watch… I saved you!