Chalkboard: None

Couch: The living room is made of sand (including the furnitures and fixtures). The family, looking haggard and dehydrated, crawls in, but ends up lying on their backs in a desert when the sand house collapses.

(movie preview at the cinema)
Narrator: Coming this summer from DreamWorks! Cards! 52 jokers playing the game of their lives!
Baby Card: I didn't want to be a 3! I wanted to be a 7!
Father Card: Shut up, kid. You're as crazy as an 8, I'm telling you.
Narrator: With Eddie Murphy as the Jack of Clubs!
Jack of Clubs: You don't understand, officer. I thought that King was a Queen (does trademark laugh)
Narrator: This summer, the house is full and the deuces are wild in Cards!
Eight of Clubs: Hey, Jack. You got any two's?
Jack of Diamonds: (a la Jack Nicholson) You can't handle the two's!

(At Itchy and Scratchyland)
Homer: "Stop this ride!"
Pimple-Faced Kid: "You're the boss!"
(The cars wreck on the track, with the lead car sending a family plummeting to the bottom of a chasm, a la most Wile E. Coyote cartoons)
Little boy: (emerging unscathed, as his parents lie in the wrecked car, badly injured) "I wanna go again, Daddy! Daddy?!"

(Homer and Marge's rendition of "Love Will Keep up Together")

Marge: Love... love will keep us together.
Homer: Think of me, babe, whenever some sweet talking guy in a thong, hands you a bong. Don't take a hit, you just gotta be strong.
Marge: You better stop.
Homer: Cuz I wanna sandwich.
Marge: I said stop.
Homer: Or maybe a Manwich.

Health Inspector: Mr. Szyslak, your tavern is rife with Health Code violations.
Moe: You gotta be kidding. Like what?
Health Inspector: For starters, the body of my predecessor is still on the floor.
Moe: Oh, yeah. Uh, well, ya see, trash day ain't 'til Wednesday, so...

This episode's title is in reference to “Mommie Dearest”, the memoir and exposé written by Christina Crawford (1939-), the adopted daughter of actress Joan Crawford (1905-1977).
It was made into a 1981 film starring Faye Dunaway (1941-)