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The War at Home: Oh Grow Up

Dave is having trouble dealing with the menstrual cycles of the girls in house, which are both in full swing at the same time, mood swings and all. While unwillingly waiting for Hilary to come out of the gynecologist's office, Dave discovers that her gynecologist is an old friend of his from high school, who used to get around a lot back then. This makes Dave worry that Dr. Vogel plans to make his relationship with Hilary a little more personal. Meanwhile, Larry's feelings are hurt when he overhears Mike call him a nobody.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 1x16
Production Number: 2T7615
Airdate: Sunday March 19th, 2006

Director: Andy Cadiff

Guest Stars
Dylan NealDylan Neal
As Dr. Jonathan Vogel
Dylan NealDylan Neal
As Dr. Jonathan Vogel
Episode Notes
Apparently, Dave has an older brother named, Eric, who he hasen't spoken to in 2 years.

Episode Quotes
Dave: Hey.
Vicky: Hey, I need you to do me a favor this afternoon.
Dave: Me? Why can't you do it?
Vicky: You don't even know what it is.
Dave: Sorry, what is it?
Vicky: I need you to take Hillary to her doctor's appointment.
Dave: Me? Why can't you do it?
Vicky: Because this is the first design client that Jill's letting me handle all by myself, and it's important that I do a good job. And that's going to be really hard because I have no idea what I'm doing.
Dave: That's the same thing you said the first time we had sex, and as I recall, you were a pretty fast learner.
Vicky: Yeah, well, when the whole thing lasts a minute and a half, you have to learn fast.

Dave: (about Hillary) Where am I taking her?
Vicky: To the gynecologist.
Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. That's not my area. I mean, that is my area, but only when that area is your area. Her area... that's out of my area.

Vicky: Hillary tell your father why you have to see the gynecologist today.
Hillary: Because I have terrible PMS, and cramps, and bloating, and a very heavy flow.
Dave: Aah, aah, okay, okay, that's enough. I heard enough. I'll take her, just stop talking.

Dave: Jonathan? Jonathan Vogel?
Dr. Vogel: Hey, Dave Gold.
Dave: Wow, man. It's been forever.
Dr. Vogel: Yeah. I haven't seen you since, uh, what, high school?
Dave: Yeah, man, it's a long time. Hey, what was your nickname back then? Oh, yeah. The De-virginator.
Dr. Vogel: Long time ago, Dave.
Dave: Yeah, yeah. Listen, take my card. You know, we should stay in touch, catch up, have a beer or something.
Dr. Vogel: Yeah, that'd be a great idea.
Dave: Yeah.
Dr. Vogel: Huh. So, you sell insurance? I always figured you'd end up in jail.
Dave: That makes two of us.

(cut scene)
Dave: Hey, what do you know? The horniest hound from my high school is my daughter's gynecologist. No!!!

Larry: You're watching Fear Factor. Why are you crying?
Hillary: (sobbing) Because she ate cow eyeballs, and only came in second place...

Mike: Hey, Larry, can I borrow your stopwatch? Larry? Hello? Uh, I need to borrow your stopwatch for my science homework.
Larry: I'm sorry is someone talking to me?
Mike: Yes, freak!

Mike: All right, look, Larry, I'm sorry I called you a nobody, okay? Next time someone asks me who you are, I'll say, "my loser brother," all right?
Larry: Hey, make up your mind! Am I a loser, a freak, or a nobody?
Hillary: D -- all of the above.

Vicky: Hey, babe.
Dave: Hey.
Vicky: Things with the client went great, thanks for asking.

Dave: It turns out Hillary's doctor is someone I went to high school with.
Vicky: You're kidding. You know Dr. Vogel?
Dave: Oh, yeah, I know all about him. Let's just say he turned his hobby into his career.
Vicky: What do you mean, he was President of the Pap Smear Club?
Dave: In a matter of speaking, yes. I mean, in high school, all this guy talked about was getting into girls' pants. At least back then he had to work at it. Now all he has to do is say next!

Vicky: I've been going to Dr. Vogel for, like, three years now, and he's been nothing but professional...
Dave: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. He's, uh... he's seen you, too?
Vicky: Not only has he seen me, I paid him to look at it.

Mike: You are such a drama queen.
Larry: I am not a queen! I'm a man!

Vicky: If Mike said something to hurt your feelings, you need to talk it out with him. Yeah, words can hurt, but words can also heal.
(cut scene)
Dave: And words could also make you barf.

Hillary: What are you calling Dr. Vogel for?
(cut scene)
Dave: To tell him he's gotten his last peek at my wife and daughter's woo-woos

Vicky: So you had a problem with me doing business with Dr. Vogel until suddenly, you had business to do with Dr. Vogel.
Dave: First of all, when I do business with him, my pants aren't off, and my feet aren't in the air.

Vicky: (to Dave) Hey, I would love a mature, evolved husband, but I married you.

Dave: Yeah, Vicky, wow. Why the hell do you look so good?
Vicky: Dave, you spoil me with all those compliments.

Dr. Vogel: You're a lucky guy, Dave. My wife never puts out as much as Vicky does.

Dave: Hey, how you doing, honey?
Vicky: What? How am I doing?! How am I doing?! I'm bloated and I have cramps. Get out of my way, ****** ****er! I need a choc-o-dile!

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