Mike: Look, no offense, Dad, but your job is... kind of boring.
Dave: Boring? What gives you that idea?
Dave: I hate my job. My job sucks. I gotta figure out a way to fake my own death.
Hillary: (to Larry) Don't you have something pathetic you need to finish, like a puzzle or puberty?
Larry: Come on, Kenny. Let's go finish our puzzle.
Dave: You're making pasta again?
Dave: You know, that cookbook has more than one chapter.
Vicky: Yeah. So does The Joy of Sex.
Mike: Actually, um, I was gonna ask Mom if she wanted to come.
Dave: But it's Career Day, not Something That Gets Her Out of the House Day.
Dave: What do the other fathers do?
Mike: Well, Bill's dad does construction, Darren's dad's in the Navy, and Steven's dad's a cop.
Dave: Are these parents or the Village People?
Dave: Look, is that all you think I do? I don't just sell insurance, Mike.
Mike: You don't?
Dave: No. Look, I, uh, I never told you this before, but I'm also part of a highly specialized and elite group sanctioned by the government in the handling and verification of some very important documents.
Mike: Are you trying to tell me you're...
Dave: Yeah. I'm also a notary.
Hillary: Why do I always go for jerks?
Larry: Because you're incredibly shallow, and you only care what somebody looks like.
Hillary: Why am I having so many guy problems? Is it something that I'm doing or something that I'm not doing?
Larry: I've heard rumors of both.
Hillary: Why can't I just find one good one?
Kenny: Well, if you want my opinion...
Hillary: I don't.
Joe: Look, Dave, do I think our job is fun and exciting? No. Does it bother me? No. You want to know why? I'm on anti-depressants.
Dave: Come on, it was nothing. It was just a little harmless flirting. I would never, ever actually do anything.
Dave: The truth is, I never, ever would actually do anything, but... God forbid, Vicky got hit by a truck... it'd be nice to have a phone number.
Dave: What, you don't think young women find me attractive, huh? Believe me, I'm out there in the world, I see the looks I'm getting, I kow what they're thinking.
Vicky: Yeah, they're thinking, "Who's this creep staring at my boobs?"
Hillary: Well, you can't worry about what other people say about you.
Kenny: Easy for you to say. Everyone thinks you're a goddess.
Larry: What the hell is going on here? What are you doing?
Kenny: Talking to Hillary.
Larry: We don't talk to Hillary. We talk about Hillary.
Hillary: That's funny, Larry. Because nobody talks about you, nobody.
Susan: Because you're just such a handsome, funny guy, and...
Susan: ... and I'd like to fix you up with my mother.
Dave: (high-pitched voice) Did she just say what I think she said?
Mike: Oh, yeah, and after it was over, all everyone could talk about was how hot my mom is.
Vicky: Please... what'd they say?
Mike: Oh, I don't know, stuff like, "Your mom has great cupcakes, Gold. Are they all natural or do they have artificial ingredients?"
Vicky: Huh. I'm somehow flattered and creeped out all at the same time. You did tell them they were all natural, right? Oh, honey, come on. This is just the silly stuff stupid adolescent boys say.
Mike: Actually, that was one of the dads.
Dave: I'm not in the mood right now.
Vicky: Oh, that's okay. I'm feeling sexy enough for the both of us.
Dave: I'm sorry, but my heart just wouldn't be in it.
Vicky: I got news for you. In terms of the organs I'm interested in, your heart is way at the bottom of the list.
Vicky: (to Dave) Come on, honey. When we got married, it was for better or for worse. And I guess I'm just getting better and you're getting worse!
Hillary: Kenny, if you're not gonna be my nice, sensitive boyfriend, frankly, you can go home now.
Hillary: What are you up to?
Larry: Well, if you must know, I'm trying to IM this girl at school that I like, but I can't think of what to say.
Hillary: Tell her she looked really cute today.
Larry: Doesn't that sound kind of...
Hillary: Just do what I tell you.
(Larry sends IM)
Larry: Oh, my God. She wrote, "Thanks," with five smileys. The most I've ever gotten was three, and that was from Kenny.