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Jim West and Artemus Gordon are called out of retirement to stop Michelito Loveless Jr., the son of their old enemy Dr. Loveless. Michelito has created cyborgs, a nuclear bomb, and imposters to replace the leaders of the world, all as part of his grand scheme to conquer the world and avenge the death of his father.
Lower Left: Jim running behind the Wanderer.
Upper Left: The mysterious woman watches the unconscious Jim and Artie.
Upper Right: Artie advises surrender.
Lower Right: Artie in a dress.
Lower Left: Jim, Artie, and Edney realize that there's no escape.
Upper Right: Michelito laughs in triumph.
Robert T. Malone: Artemus Gordon for the last six months has been with a traveling show called the Deadwood Shakespearean Strolling Players. With assorted jugglers, fire-eaters, and three--count them--three beautiful live girls. As opposed, I guess, to three ugly dead girls.
Robert T. Malone: How did he get in the Secret Service?
Joseph: He's your wife's nephew, sir.
Robert T. Malone: I thought we had a gentleman's agreement never to mention that!
Hugo Kaufman: Unless it's because they feel that Dr. Miguelito Loveless is behind all this. I believe you two had some experiences with him.
James: Oh, we had some experiences. But I happen to know that Miguelito Loveless has been dead for five years.
Hugo Kaufman: Well, evidently, you didn't know that he had a son, Michelito Loveless Jr.
James: Of course I know that he had a son. I've known him since he was that big.
Hugo Kaufman: He's still that big.
Artemus: You didn't knock that guy more than twelve feet. I'm afraid all those years of soft living has dulled the edge of your skills. Well, don't you worry, from here on out I take over your training. In one month from now, you'll either be in top shape or two weeks' dead.
Michelito: My father died of ulcers. Ulcers brought on by the two of you constantly interfering with his plans!
Carmelita: Our father was the greatest man in the world.
Michelito: He was the greatest man who ever lived. Till I was born, of course.
James: Junior, you're crazier than your father ever was.
Michelito: Did it ever occur to you that my father was, and I am, complete sane, and the two of you and the rest of the world are mentally deficient?
James: No. that never occurred to me. Did it ever occur to you, Artie?
Michelito: Did it occur to you that my father was normal-sized and the two of you might be throwbacks to caveman types?
Artemus: Now that occurred to me.
Artemus: What did you expect? The major powers of the world to roll over and play dead? All because of threats from some little pipsqueak?
Michelito: Pipsqueak?!? Pipsqueak?!? Which one of them called me a pipsqueak?
Artemus: All of them.
Michelito: Ah. I have their monarchs and heads of states in custody, I can wipe out any city with a wave of my hand. Does that sound like the work of a pipsqueak?
Artemus: Well, it sounds like the work of a sort of powerful pipsqueak, yeah.