Sheriff Cantrell: Washington says once they cross that river border, it’s “oley oley oxen free!”
Charlie: But they can come across t’ here and steal everything that i’nt nailed down!
Sheriff Cantrell: Maybe it’s time I sent a telegram: “Dear Washington, What are you doing about the Vasquez gang? Love, Sheriff Cantrell.”
Jim: I don’t have to look like Slade - Vasquez has never seen him. Slade never operated in this part of the country. We’ll be perfectly safe.
Artie: Um... uh... we?
Jim: You wouldn’t want me to go and face band of desperadoes alone, now, you wouldn’t want that, would you, Artemis?
Artie (as “Mike”): (disguised as an old prospector, he talks up “Frank Slade” as a ruthless outlaw with a big reward for his capture or death) Ten thousand dollars reward, dead or alive. You know what that means? That means if he was to happen to die there’d be a corpse laying round here in Casa Verde worth $10,000 cash on delivery in Laredo.
Sgt. Gomez: You wish me to cause something to happen to your friend...
Artie (as “Mike”): I’m just saying if... if!
Viper Black: Gramps. Vasquez wants to see you.
Artie (as “Mike”): Mohave’s the name, sonny, Mohave Mike. I ever tell you about how I got the...
Viper Black: NOW!
Artie (as “Mike”): As soon as I finish my beer. I ever tell you about how I got that...
(Viper Black pours out Artie’s beer.)
Artie (as “Mike”): I’m finished. We can go now.
Vasquez: Sergeant Gomez was kind enough to call this to my attention. He tells me that you have seen Senor Slade here in our area.
Artie (as “Mike”): Yeah.
Vasquez: How can you be sure?
Artie (as “Mike”): Well, uh, ‘course I didn’t want to mention this to Sheriff Gomez you understand, but, uh, Frank an’ me used to ride together back in Kansas.
Vasquez: Then... he is your friend?
Artie (as “Mike”): That’s right, sonny.
Vasquez: Whom you would betray for a ten thousand dollar reward.
Artie (as “Mike”): Now, wait one minute. He’s a good friend. That’s the least I’ll take for him.
(Artie has disguised Jim as Frank Slade, an outlaw.)
Jim: I don’t think I’m ugly enough.
Artie: Oh, well, you’ve got to feel the part, you know. When you’re walking around think to yourself, “I’m ugly. Boy, am I ugly!”
(Jim has suggested that Artie’s character “Mohave Mike” would be more likely to sleep in a livery stable than a hotel.)
Artie: A livery stable?!? What about the smell?
Jim: The horses will just...
Jim and Artie: (in unison) ...have to get used to it.
Vasquez: My men are the best in this territory.
Jim (as “Frank”): Then I’ll have to settle for second best.
Vasquez: Second best? To appropriate a million dollar shipment of Federal bullion?
Jim (as “Frank”): You’ve got no business knowing my business!
Vasquez: On the contrary, Señor. It is my business to know everything.
Jim (as “Frank”): I ride shotgun, you and your men inside the van. Mohave Mike drives.
Vasquez: Mohave Mike?
Jim (as “Frank”): Any objections?
Vasquez: You are the commander, Señor, but before you assign your friend Mohave Mike to this delicate post, I must tell you that recently he attempted unsuccessfully with Hefe Gomez to have you converted... into a corpse/
Jim (as “Frank”): Are you sure of that?
Vasquez: My word, as an officer and gentleman. Would you like me to arrange his death?
Jim (as “Frank”): I don’t arrange deaths. I’ll take care of it myself.
Jim: You haven’t changed your scent.
Linda Medford: Neither have you, you polecat.
Jim: You don’t need money. I thought you found your pot of gold at the end of Vasquez’ rainbow?
Linda: Things are never really what they seem with you, are they?
Jim: What about Vasquez?
Linda: Well, he was a king in Mexico City, but... this is not Mexico City.
Linda Medford: I just couldn’t sleep so I went for a ride.
Vasquez: Possibly to Señor Slade’s hotel? Answer me! Were you with Slade?
Linda Medford: (sarcastically) Yes, that’s exactly what happened! I got totally bored, and a rode over and I just flung myself into his arms!
Vasquez: It would not be the first time, would it? But if you are lying, it is certainly the last!
Linda Medford: Don’t threaten me, Francisco!
Artie: You alright?
Jim: Never better.
Jim: (pointing to wreckage at the bottom of a ravine) He only bought a one way ticket.
Jim: I’m making you a present of Viper.
Artie: Gift wrapped.
Linda: Exactly what am I supposed to do with him?
Jim: Well, it’s just a thought, but Sheriff Cantrell is offering a two thousand dollar reward for Viper. A girl could start a while new life with that kind of money.
Linda Medford: That is the loveliest gift I can think of to give a girl!