A group of masked robbers enter a bank and rob it. One of the customers is James West, who immediately attacks them. After a brief fight, the agent is shot and killed. Dr. Miguelito Loveless, seated in a director’s chair, calls an end to the rehearsal and berates them for failing to compensate for the one random element that he introduced. Loveless tells the lookalike West, Slade, to get up, and realizes that one of the robbers, Whaley, forgot to use blanks. The villain takes Whaley’s gun and gives it to another of his men, who shoots and kills Whaley. Loveless then says they’ll proceed with the next day’s field exercise as planned, and assures his henchwoman Belladonna that they may have lost the fake West, but they’ll soon have the real one...Read the full recap
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Too long have we tarried in this unquiet place where man imprisons man.
Fargo: Mind tellin' me why you're starin' at me like that?
Artemus: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was just thinking... would you consider lending me your mustache, Mr. Fargo?
Belladonna: That was real smart. How'd you figure out the gun shot in reverse?
James: I learned a long time ago to beware of Greeks bearing gifts.
Belladonna: What's that mean?
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Spell it out for her, Mr. West.
James: Well, it's not too difficult to figure out the good doctor's sense of humor. If he gives you a gun just at the moment you need that gun, then you can rest assured it will fire backward and at you.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Oh, you weary me, West.
James: I'm sorry. Any particular reason?
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: Many reasons. You weary me with the sight of your strong, straight body. You weary me with your smug, neatly-ordered mind. Actually, not the worst I've ever encountered.
James: A poor thing, but my own.
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: You weary me with your selfless ant-like devotion to a society that no longer deserves it.
James: You're not going to run out of reasons now, are you, Doctor?
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: You weary me by being. By existing. By your uncanny talent for appearing at exactly the right place at the wrongest possible time. Belladonna, I'll trade you this gun for one that shoots forward. Forever and forever, farewell, Cassius. If we do meet again, well, we shall smile. If we do not, well, then...
Artemus: Ah, well, as my old Aunt Maude always used to say to me, "Artemus, if you can't win the game, the next best thing is to upset the chessboard."
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: But do you think the possibility of death holds such terror for me?
James: No. But I know what does. No more assaults against society. No more revenge against the world. No striking back, right?
Dr. Miguelito Loveless: There is a certain tortured logic in what you say.
When Jim prepares to run the gauntlet, he supposedly calls out, "They're armed, I suppose," but it's clearly not Robert Conrad's voice.
Giddings, the first student, fires
three shots at Jim. However, after Jim takes his gun, Loveless says that he only put one
bullet in Giddings' gun.