(Kevin in a dream sequence about his first day of school)
Narrator/Adult: I remember it as clearly as if it were last night. It was the first day of school - I was late. I found the class and went in. I began to panic. Maybe I'd come on the wrong day...maybe I'd come to the wrong place! Every time I would open the door, there was another hallway. I couldn't find the teachers - I couldn't find the students. And that's when it hit me.
This was high school. And I...was completely...and utterly...alone.
(in school, Kevin is starring at a pretty girl by his locker)
Stuart Carpazian: Kevin Arnold?! Stuart Carpazian. Remember me? We both had Miss Serita for fourth grade.
Kevin: (half-heartedly) Oh, hi, Stuart. (still watching this new girl)
Stuart Carpazian: Wow, it's good to see ya! You're probably wondering what happened to me. See, my dad got a job in Tucson when I was in fifth grade...so we moved. But, I'm back now! Jujubee?
Kevin: No, thanks.
Stuart Carpazian: So, how's your mom? Hey, remember when she chaperoned our field-trip to the zoo...and the elephants are doing it?
Narrator/Adult: Jeez, was this kid blind? Couldn't he see what was happening here?
Stuart Carpazian: Remember that time you came down with the Hong Kong flu?
Narrator/Adult: Here she came. (the girl walks towards Kevin smiling)
Stuart Carpazian: It was right after lunch. Fishsticks and peas, and ya threw up all over your desk.
(the girl looks grossed out and Kevin looks shocked)
Stuart Carpazian: Well, I go to class now. It's been nice talking to you. See you later!
Narrator/Adult: Oh, well, one thing about a big public high school...
(Kevin enters the classroom and sits at a desk)
Narrator/Adult: With any luck, Stuart Carpazian would be lost in the system.
Stuart Carpazian: Hey, would you look at this? Talk about luck. (Kevin looks shocked again) Hey, you know what I was thinking about? That time we were playing basketball, you ran into the pole and knocked a hole in your head.
Kevin: Stuart, class is gonna start, OK? We'll talk later.
Stuart Carpazian: Oh, sure, sure.
Narrator/Adult: Not to be obnoxious or anything, but this was no time to be reliving old memories.
Mr. Bottner: Buenos dias. My name is Mr. Bottner. This...is U.S. Government.
Narrator/Adult: OK, finally!
Mr. Bottner: So! Here are the rules...
(Kevin writes in his notebook)
Narrator/Adult: Roman numeral "I" - Rules
Mr. Bottner: Numero uno. Bottner's Law. At 8:25 the doors are locked - no one gets in...No one gets out. Numero dos. Due to an inner ear injury sustained at the...Pusan...beach-head...We shall all refrain from making any sudden...noises in the 2,000 kilocycle range. That means...Do not...I repeat, do not...rip the paper from spiral notebooks. Comprende?
Mr. Bottner: Now! Can anyone tell me the name of this country's "living document"? ...anyone?...no one? Grubner!
Harold Gruntner: (reacts to his name being called wrong) Um...ah...
Mr. Bottner: (sarcastically) Good job. Callio!
Callio: Ah...I'm not sure.
Mr. Bottner: (sarcastically) Huh. Perfect. ...Carpazon.
Stuart Carpazian: ...that's "Carpazian", sir.
Mr. Bottner: What did you say?
Stuart Carpazian: Uh, it's...not important.
Mr. Bottner: The answer to the question...is the...Con-sti-tu-tion. And speaking of the Constitution...This might be a good time to tell you about meeting the 39th Vice-president of the United States. Spiro T. Agnew. I was one of only nine-hundred teachers...Selected to have lunch at the White House. The real White House.
Narrator/Adult: And there you had it. It was pretty obvious the man who was teaching us all about freedom...Was nothing but a petty dictator. And that's when we realized - for the next five months, we'd be held hostage...While this guy strutted and preened, and perpetrated his little power-plays. And told, and retold, his crowning life-achievement...Meeting Spiro T. Agnew.
Mr. Bottner: And then! During dessert...Which included a generous portion of cherries jubilee...The Vice-president himself...Came over to my table. Shook...my hand. nd do you know what he said? Huh?
Narrator/Adult: Of course, we didn't. But still, it seemed some sort of response was called for here.
Kevin: I can't believe I ate the whole thing?
Wayne: Hey, Wart. Looks like somebody forgot to read the scrote handbook.
Kevin: Get outta my way, Wayne!
Wayne: Sorry, Kev. Can't! You're on the seal. The sacred emblem of our fine school.
Wayne: So? So, only seniors are allowed to walk on the seal.
Wart: Yeah, only seniors are allowed to walk on the seal.
Narrator/Adult: Now, coming from anyone else...Maybe I would have believed it. But from these jokers?
Kevin: That's crazy! What kind of rule is that?
Wayne: Kev, Kev - this seal is an emblem for the school, and protecting it is a long-standing tradition passed from one senior class to the next.
Kevin: Get outta my way, butt-breath.
Wayne: Let me explain something to you. You might have thought you were some kind of "hot-shot" in junior high, but you're nothing here. You're the lowest of the low, the putridest of the putrid. You're that stuff that mom sweeps out from underneath the refrigerator. And we're in charge here. And if we catch you walking on the seal, you get...(gestures as if flushing a toilet)...the "boosh"! The royal flush.
Wart: The "boosh"!
Narrator/Adult: Not that I knew what that was. Still, the terminology seemed pretty self-explanatory.
Kevin: (sarcastically) Thanks for letting me know.
Wayne: You're my brother, I care about ya.