Narrator/Adult: Every two weeks...My mother would invent some subterfuge to sneak behind enemy lines And attempt to re-establish communications.
(Norma brings in bags of groceries at Karen's home)
Karen: We do have stores around here, you know.
Narrator/Adult: With...varying success.
Michael: Have you got that OK?
Kevin: Yeah - I'm fine.
Michael: Your mom knows there's only two of us, right?
Kevin: I think so.
Narrator/Adult: That would be Michael - Karen's boyfriend. Or live-in. Or...Significant other. Whatever.
Michael: So, uh...how's your dad?
Kevin: Ya know, he's...about the same.
Michael: Only worse?
Kevin: You got it.
Narrator/Adult: Thing is...Even though I was supposed to hate the guy...I didn't. Not that that was the problem.
(inside the kitchen)
Karen: Well, we live together, we sleep together, we
Narrator/Adult: That was the problem.
Norma: We know that, honey.
Karen: See, maybe you know that, but dad doesn't know that.
Norma: Well, you just have to give him some time.
Karen: I mean he...he's stubborn...He's pig-headed...Isn't he, Kevin?
Norma: Now, don't talk about your father like that.
Michael: So, uh...Who do you think's gonna be in the superbowl this year?
Narrator/Adult: I guess life here was about the same as at our house.
Michael: Never mind.
Norma: Karen you're not being fair. Just...talk to him.
Karen: Mom, I'd love to.
Norma: Well, good, then.
Karen: But not without Michael.
Narrator/Adult: And we were back where we started.
Michael: You know...Maybe it wouldn't hurt for you to, ya know, sit down, together. I mean, he's your father, right? And, he's paying for all the groceries. Right? (everyone stares at Michael) I think there's another bag in the car.
(Wayne picks up a birthday card and reads it)
Wayne: Happy birthday, Dad. You're not getting older - that would be impossible. (Laughs)
Kevin: Come on - you don't want to get him that.
Wayne: Mom said we can get him anything we want.
Narrator/Adult: Which, for my brother, meant anything under a buck. Me, I'd been workin' all summer, and this was the first time in my life I could afford to spend more than two dollars for my father's birthday. Trouble was, I had absolutely no idea what it should be.
Saleslady: May I help you?
Kevin: Uh, yeah. I'm looking for a gift for my dad.
Saleslady: I know just the thing.
Narrator/Adult: Great - a little professional advice.
Saleslady: They're Dacron-polyester.
Kevin: Well...no...you see, I wanted to get him somethin', you know...better.
Saleslady: Well, that shouldn't be too hard. Why don't you tell me a little bit about him?
Kevin: Well...He's my dad. And, uh...
Narrator/Adult: Let's see now.
Kevin: Well, he-he's sort of...Well, he's kinda like...
Narrator/Adult: Trouble was...How do you put a man like that into words.
(cut back to the Arnold's home)
Narrator/Adult: That was one way.
Waitress: Can I get you folks a drink?
Wayne: Uh, yeah. I'll have a double Scotch-rocks, with a twist....For him....Natch.
Norma: If we could just see the menus, please.
Waitress: Oh, our special tonight is a sixteen-ounce prime rib.
Jack: Prime rib, huh?
Narrator/Adult: Alright - this was the ticket. Mellow the guy out with a good old fashioned hunk o'...
Karen: Dead cow.
Michael: Uh, Karen...
Karen: Well, that's what prime rib is, isn't it? Cow flesh? How many innocent beasts had to be slaughtered so we could have this meal?
Waitress: I don't know, honey...I just work here. I'll be back to take your orders.
Karen: Who chose this place, anyway?
Wayne: Dad did.
Narrator/Adult: Which left us about ooh, five seconds from meltdown.
Michael: So, uh, Mr. Arnold...How are things at Norplant? Norcorp? Norfleet? Nor...
(Karen mouthing "com".)
Michael: Com! Norcom! That's-that's where you work, right? How are things there?
Jack: Work's work.
Narrator/Adult: And, back to me.
Kevin: Well, uh...I have to go to the bathroom.
Michael: Yeah, me too.
(in the bathroom)
Michael: Norcom! I knew it was Norcom. What is the matter with me?
Kevin: Look, it wasn't so bad. Really.
Michael: Right. I just made a complete fool of myself.
Kevin: Well, sometimes...my dad can do that to people.