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The Wonder Years: Private Butthead

Screw-up's Wayne and Wart decide to quit school and join the Army despite Jack's disapproval.

Episode Info  

Episode number: 5x14
Production Number: S0059114
Airdate: Wednesday February 05th, 1992

Writer: Sy Rosen

Guest Stars
Scott MenvilleScott Menville
As Wart
Scott MenvilleScott Menville
As Wart
Pat Crawford BrownPat Crawford Brown
As Mrs. Ruebner
Pat Crawford BrownPat Crawford Brown
As Mrs. Ruebner
Joseph WhippJoseph Whipp
As Mr. Quaranta
Joseph WhippJoseph Whipp
As Mr. Quaranta
Main Cast
Fred SavageFred Savage
As Kevin Arnold
Fred SavageFred Savage
As Kevin Arnold
Dan LauriaDan Lauria
As Jack Arnold
Dan LauriaDan Lauria
As Jack Arnold
Alley MillsAlley Mills
As Norma Arnold
Alley MillsAlley Mills
As Norma Arnold
Jason HerveyJason Hervey
As Wayne Arnold
Jason HerveyJason Hervey
As Wayne Arnold
Daniel SternDaniel Stern
voiced Adult Kevin Arnold
ArtistSong TitlePlayed When
Joan BaezForever Young 
Van MorrisonBrown Eyed Girl 

Episode Quotes
Mrs. Ruebner: What do you plan to do with your life?
Kevin: My life?
Mrs. Ruebner: Yes. What are you interested in?
Kevin: Well...
Narrator/Adult: Let's see. There were cars...girls, sports, and...girls...
Kevin: I like to read a lot.
Mrs. Ruebner: Oh - anything in particular?
Kevin: Well...
Narrator/Adult: Let's see. There were books about cars, girls, sports, and... girls.
Kevin: I like the classics.
Mrs. Ruebner: You should start thinking about what college you want to go to.
Kevin: Really?!
Mrs. Ruebner: You have a chance to really do something with your should start thinking about the future.
Narrator/Adult: And faced with that mature logic...there was only one thing to say.
Kevin: Do I need a hall pass to get back into class?

Wayne: Hey, look! It's butthead!
Wart: Yeah. It's butthead!
Narrator/Adult: That was Wayne's friend, Wart. They were two pea-heads in a pod.
Kevin: What are you doing here?
Wayne: We're getting an award for being the top students in our class.
Wart: Yeah. We're valedorians.

Jack: You skipped school?
Kevin: Oh, I didn't say anything.
Jack: He didn't have to - the principal called.
Norma: Honey? How could you skip school?
Wayne: Well...we didn't skip...I mean... We were gonna go, but then we just...didn't go, at the last minute
Norma: Well...where did you go?
Wayne: Nowhere. We didn't do anything.
Kevin: Coulda done that at school...
Norma: Honey? This is going to go on your permanent record!
Wayne: So?
Jack: So? Suppose you don't get into college? What are you gonna do then?
Wayne: I don't know...then I'll work at NORCOM.
Kevin: Fat chance.
Wayne: What do you mean? Dad did it!
Jack: Wayne. First I went to college, then I went into the Marines, and then I went to work at NORCOM.
Wayne: So, I'll just get there a little faster.
Narrator/Adult: But if my brother was looking for a free lunch...
Jack: You wouldn't get in the front gate.
Narrator/Adult: ...seemed the kitchen was closed.
Wayne: Well, thanks for your support, Dad. I really appreciate it.
Jack: Wayne...Go into your room, and study for your SAT's.
Wayne: No, thanks.
Narrator/Adult: And there it was. A classic power-struggle. A stand-off between generations.
Jack: Son...Now!
Narrator/Adult: Not that the outcome was really in doubt.

Narrator/Adult: And for the first time in a long time...I could see how much Dad was rooting for Wayne. How proud he was of him. And at that moment...I actually had the feeling everything was gonna be alright.
Wayne: Hey! Dad!
Jack: How was the test? Was it tough?
Wayne: Well, um...
Wayne: About the test...
Wart: We didn't take it.
Jack: What do you mean you didn't take it?
Wayne: Well, we did somethin' a little better!
Wart: A lot better.
Jack: What'd you do?
Wayne: Well...We've been thinkin'...
Wart: Yeah, we were thinkin'.
Wayne: And, why spend four years in a college, when there's a much better way to get a career?
Jack: Wayne! What did you do?!
Wayne: Well, we talked it over, and -
Wart: We joined the Army!
Norma: This can't be happening!
Narrator/Adult: Even so, it had. My mother's worst nightmare was coming true.
Norma: Honey - you are just in highschool!
Wayne: Mom, I'm eighteen years old...And besides, the sergeant really liked us.
Yeah! He said we were special.
Wayne: Yeah!
Kevin: You guys are kidding, right?
Wayne: No, butthead.
Narrator/Adult: Which left only one sane reasonable response.
Jack: How did you come up with such a dumb, stupid, idiotic idea!
Wart: Well, was my idea.
Jack: And you listened to him? That's real bright.
Wart: Thanks!
Wayne: Dad... Listen, you know...It's not as it sounds. I mean, if you just think about it - it makes sense! The pay is good...And besides, they'll teach us to be anything we want - mechanics, uh, engineers, uh...
Wart: Topographical specialists...
Wayne: Yeah!
Jack: Wart?
Jack: Go home...
Wayne: Well, I asked him to stay for dinner...
Jack: Goodbye, Wart.
Narrator/Adult: And with those social pleasantries out of the way...
Wart: Nice seeing you folks.
Narrator/Adult: was time for the family to talk turkey.
Norma: Jack. We can't let this happen.
Jack: You didn't take your physical yet, right?
Wayne: No, but, you know, that's just...
Jack: He's not in the Army. Tomorrow, you'll go down there and tell 'em you changed your mind.
Wayne: No, you don't understand...
Jack: You don't understand. They're gonna send you off to Viet Nam! They're gonna pack you up and ship you off so fast...Your head's gonna spin!
Wayne: That's not what the sergeant said. The sergeant said that -
Jack: What's the matter with you?! They'll tell you anything!
Wayne: Well, you went to Korea.
Jack: That was different.
Wayne: Why? What was different about it?
Jack: Because you're a dumb young kid!
Wayne: Well, you were a young dumb kid, too.
Jack: Wayne! Listen to me. You're not goin'.

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