Police Officer: In my opinion, the husband did it. He was looking for trouble, expecting to be burgled.
Jack: Really?
Police Officer: Yeah, look. No other reason I can think of for keeping sports equipment in the basement.
Jack: Oh, you should come around to my house for a game of hockey sometime.

Mike Halloran: I don't remember the doctor saying anything about resting my mouth.
Beth Halloran: Actually he did. He was very specific. No talking for a whole week.
Mike Halloran: Lies, lies, why so many lies?

Ianto: "Just us and this room for as long as it takes." Terrifying.
Jack: Really?
Ianto: Absolutely. Shivers down my spine.
Jack: You don't look scared.
Ianto: Oh, it passed.

Beth Halloran: Who are you people? Don't you have any windows?
Gwen: It wouldn't really be in-keeping with the whole secrecy thing, people looking in, would it?
(Beth stops to examine a monitor)
Ianto: We don't sniff the sub-etheric resonator!
Beth Halloran: Sorry.

Tosh: You said we weren't allowed to use that again.
Jack: It's just a mind probe.
Ianto: You remember what happened last time you used it?
Jack: That was different and that species has extremely high blood pressure.
Ianto: Oh, right. Their heads must explode all the time.
Gwen: Jack, you can't do this. What if you're wrong? If she is human, it'll kill her.
Jack: I'm not wrong. We have to find out what she is.
Tosh: Take it easy, Jack. Stop at the first sign of trouble.
Ianto: Or the first sign of exploding.

Beth Halloran: Will it hurt?
Jack: Yeah.
Beth Halloran: Your bedside manner's rubbish.
Gwen: You should see his manners in bed. They're atrocious. Apparently, so I've heard.
Ianto: Oh, they are. I remember...
(Jack clears his throat)

Gwen: Do you feel human?
Beth Halloran: Yes.
Gwen: Yes, well, then you are. What makes us human? Is it our minds or our bodies?

Jack: Tosh, you switched off the transceiver?
Tosh: Yes.
Jack: Are you sure?
Tosh: Well, I was until you asked.

Owen: Well how do you know all that?
Owen: I know everything. And it says so on the bottom of the screen.

Tosh: (hacking a military computer) Come on, guys, that wasn't even difficult. You disappoint me.
Ianto: It's almost obscene what you do to security systems.

Jack: Come on, with a dashing hero like me on the case, how can we fail?
Ianto: He is dashing, you have to give him that.

Owen: What if they can't stop it?
Tosh: They'll stop it.
Owen: Yeah, but if they can't?
Ianto: Then it's all over.
Owen: Let's all have sex.
Ianto: And I thought the end of the world couldn't get any worse.

The second series credits change the opening narrative from "and you've got to be ready" to ""and Torchwood is ready." ("Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang" featured no opening narration.")