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(Change Layout)Two and a Half Men  
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« Unknown Season   Settings    Season 1 (Printable Guide) Season 2 »
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Season 1
1 :01x01 - Pilot (Sep/22/2003)
Charlie's life gets a little more complicated when his brother, Alan, and son, Jake, move in with him after his wife confesses her lesbian lifestyle and throws him out of the house. Alan later leaves after finding his son playing poker and moves in with his mother, Evelyn. Charlie realizes how lonely it is without them and invites them back.
Guest Stars: Louisette Geiss as Karen, Eddie Gorodetsky as Doug, Kristin Bower (1) as Lauren, Jennifer Taylor as Suzanne, Don Foster (1) as Ken, Eugene Byrd as Lenny, Tom Wilson (1) as Mike, Frankie Jay Allison as Rodney
Director: James Burrows (1)
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
2 :01x02 - Big Flappy Bastards (Sep/29/2003)
Charlie finds it hard to enforce the rules Alan has set out for his son. After Jake lures a flock of sea gulls into his room, Charlie gets very upset. Jake tries to get Charlie to forgive him. Alan starts doing chores and errands for Judith, trying to get them back together. After one of his tasks, she kisses him, leading him to believe that things will be back to normal.
Director: Andy Ackerman
Story: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
3 :01x03 - Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (Oct/06/2003)
After a trip to Disneyland, Jake gets sick and wants to go to Judith's house so she can take care of him. Alan gets saddened over this because he is losing his wife and son. Charlie takes him to a bar, and after drinking, they end up at their mother's house trying to tell her what they think of her, but not successful in the process.
Guest Stars: Darryl Sivad as Cab Driver
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Mark Roberts (3)
 
4 :01x04 - If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song I'm Going to Take a Nap (Oct/13/2003)
Berta, the housekeeper, quits after experiencing Alan's demanding ways. Alan decides he could be the housekeeper, but does not work. Alan decides to hunt her down and bring her back, leaving Charlie to get ready for dinner with his mother and grandparents. Charlie also tries to get Rose to date other guys, both tasks become harder than expected.
Guest Stars: Steven Tyler as Himself, Conchata Ferrell as Berta
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
5 :01x05 - The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up With a Hump (Oct/20/2003)
After a trip to Las Vegas Charlie decides to go to Jake's soccer game like he promised. There, he meets a soccer mom and they hit it off. Alan goes to a meeting with some soccer moms about creating a newsletter, but does not realize they have other plans for the night.
Guest Stars: Liz Vassey as Kate, Christine Dunford as Gloria, Tricia O'Kelley as Brooke, Eric Allan Kramer as Bill
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky
 
6 :01x06 - Did You Check With the Captain of the Flying Monkeys? (Oct/27/2003)
Charlie gets in over his head after he tells Jake to avoid certain calls he doesn't want which creates a dinner plan for Charlie and his mother. When Charlie meets her new boyfriend's daughter, he realizes it is one of the people he is trying to avoid.
Guest Stars: Madison Mason as Tommy Pearson, Krista Allen (1) as Olivia
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Susan Beavers, Don Foster (1)
 
7 :01x07 - If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (Nov/03/2003)
For a class assignment, Jake draws the tattooed buttocks of one of Charlie's surfer friends, which in turn, worries his mother. Alan then starts to get worried about Judith when she becomes friends with the surfer girl.
Guest Stars: Kristin Dattilo as Cindy
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Mark Roberts (3), Lee Aronsohn
 
8 :01x08 - Twenty-Five Little Pre-pubers Without a Snoot-ful (Nov/10/2003)
Alan tricks Charlie in leading Jake and his classmates in the music show along with Alan and Judith.
Guest Stars: Abigail Mavity as Brianna, Jacob Urrutia as Luis, Sam Lerner as Andrew, Deena Dill as Miss Tuttle, Katelin Petersen as Katie, Rhyon Nicole Brown as Ashley
Director: Chuck Lorre
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky
 
9 :01x09 - Phase One, Complete (Nov/17/2003)
Jake befriends one of Charlie's one-night stands, which Charlie does not like as it furthers the relationship that Charlie does not want to continue.
Guest Stars: Myndy Crist as Wendy, Christopher Jacobs as Dave
Director: Andy Ackerman
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
10 :01x10 - Merry Thanksgiving (Nov/24/2003)
To try and prove to his girlfriend that he is a family man, Charlie invites Lisa over for Thanksgiving dinner at his house.
Guest Stars: Cristine Rose as Lenore, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, George Wyner as Sheldon, Denise Richards as Lisa
Director: Jay Sandrich
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
11 :01x11 - Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (Dec/15/2003)
After bumping into Judith and her new boyfriend at the movies, Alan decides to change his look to try and get back into the dating scene, and to impress his son.
Guest Stars: Rebecca McFarland as Leanne, Lucky Vanous as Kevin, John Valdetero as Phil, Daniel R. Escobar as Richard
Director: Robert Berlinger
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Mark Roberts (3)
 
12 :01x12 - Camel Filters + Pheromones (Jan/05/2004)
Berta becomes forced to bring her granddaughter Prudence to work for a day. The boys like this because they get very preoccupied with her.
Guest Stars: Lisa Arning as Cheryl Ann, Megan Fox as Prudence, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Noel Fisher as Freddie
Director: Robert Berlinger
Writer: Susan Beavers, Mark Roberts (3)
 
13 :01x13 - Sara Like Puny Alan (Jan/12/2004)
Charlie gets a double date with a hot neighbor and her sister and needs to take Alan along. The trouble is, Alan got sick from Jake so Charlie takes him to a steam room to heal him. It works for Alan, but Charlie becomes ill, but won't cancel the date at any cost.
Guest Stars: Lori Lively as Kathy, Johanna Black as Desiree Barrington
Director: Robert Berlinger
Writer: Don Foster (1), Lee Aronsohn
 
14 :01x14 - I Can't Afford Hyenas (Feb/02/2004)
Charlie's accountant Stan tries to explain Charlie's financial problems to him.
Guest Stars: Nick Toth as Football Announcer, J. D. Walsh as Ted, Elena Lyons as Susan, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Richard Lewis (1) as Stan
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Jeff Abugov, Eddie Gorodetsky
 
15 :01x15 - Round One to the Hot Crazy Chick (1) (Feb/09/2004)
Charlie falls for a seemingly crazy woman named Franky against Alan's constant arguments about the woman.
Guest Stars: Jenna Elfman as Frankie, Juliette Goglia as Joanie
Director: Andrew D. Weyman
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
16 :01x16 - That Was Saliva, Alan (2) (Feb/16/2004)
Frankie tells Charlie and Alan why both her and her daughter are on the run, and Frankie's daughter gets a crush on Jake.
Guest Stars: Jenna Elfman as Frankie, Juliette Goglia as Joanie
Director: Andrew D. Weyman
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
17 :01x17 - Ate The Hamburgers, Wearing The Hats (Feb/23/2004)
Charlie gets offended after Alan chooses harebrained cousins as Jake's legal guardians in the event of his death.
Guest Stars: Vernee Watson-Johnson as Nurse, Elise Robertson as Second Nurse, Ski Carr as Gonzales, Kris Iyer as Dr. Prajneep
Director: Andrew D. Weyman
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (3)
 
18 :01x18 - An Old Flame With a New Wick (Mar/01/2004)
Charlie is stunned to find out that one of his ex-girlfriends had a sex change operation.
Guest Stars: Chris O'Donnell as Bill/Jill, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Rebecca McFarland as Leanne
Director: Andrew D. Weyman
Writer: Mark Roberts (3), Lee Aronsohn
 
19 :01x19 - I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (Mar/22/2004)
At Jake's birthday party Judith's sister Liz hits on Alan while Evelyn prefers to drink alcohol than eat cake.
Guest Stars: Teri Hatcher as Liz
Director: Gail Mancuso
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky, Don Foster (1), Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
20 :01x20 - Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (Apr/19/2004)
When Jake starts playing guitar non-stop, Judith thinks it is because he is having a hard time dealing with the divorce. She suggests that he sees a therapist, which Alan does not agree with at the beginning, but agrees later on.
Guest Stars: Jane Lynch as Dr. Linda Freeman, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Amanda Tosch as Vicki
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Jeff Abugov, Mark Roberts (3)
 
21 :01x21 - No Sniffing, No Wowing (May/03/2004)
Charlie puts Alan's divorce settlement into jeopardy when he sleeps with his attorney, Laura.
Guest Stars: Marc Grapey as Stuart, Alana De La Garza as Crystal, Heather Locklear as Laura Lane
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Don Foster (1)
 
22 :01x22 - My Doctor has a Cow Puppet (May/10/2004)
Charlie tries to cure Alan of his recent sleepwalking adventures; Jake goes and sees a therapist.
Guest Stars: Jane Lynch as Dr. Linda Freeman, Amanda Swisten as Darlene, Jamie Day as Annette, Steffani Brass as Debbie
Director: Gail Mancuso
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Eddie Gorodetsky
 
23 :01x23 - Just Like Buffalo (May/17/2004)
Charlie tries to sweet talk Judith's support-group with other divorcees into letting Jake still spend weekends at his place.
Guest Stars: Stacey Travis as Linda, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Amy Farrington as Kathleen, Yvette Nicole Brown as Mandy, Kristin Richardson as Tiffany, Cheryl White as Ruth
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Don Foster (1)
 
24 :01x24 - Can You Feel My Finger? (May/24/2004)
Charlie heads to the doctor for a vasectomy after a recent pregnancy scare.
Guest Stars: Terry Rhoads as Dr. Andrew Sperlock, Byrne Offutt as Paul, Conchata Ferrell as Berta, Jenna Gering as Naomi
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
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