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(Change Layout)Two and a Half Men  
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« Season 2   Settings    Season 3 (Printable Guide) Season 4 »
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Season 3
49 :03x01 - Weekend in Bangkok with Two Olympic Gymnasts (Sep/19/2005)
After Alan falls off a ladder, Charlie ends up watching over him and Jake, which proves to be a harder task than he thought.
Guest Stars: Kim Oja as Betsy
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
50 :03x02 - Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (Sep/26/2005)
Jake gets suspended from school after he draws a picture of a girl in his class with huge breasts. Charlie is asked to watch over Alan's chiropractic office after pulling an all-nighter, while telling Charlie not to do anything but answer the phone. Charlie turns the place into a get rich quick scheme.
Guest Stars: Diane Sellers as Ms. Gallagher, Wayne Thomas Yorke (1) as Bob, Anna Pheil as Tanya, Candace Kita (2) as Coco, Bill Rutkoski as Lenny, Stephanie Erb as Mrs. Schmidt, Lincoln Kennedy as Mr. Dunlop
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky, Susan Beavers
 
51 :03x03 - Carpet Burns and a Bite Mark (Oct/03/2005)
Charlie finds out that Alan has been seeing his ex-wife, which is the reason he hasn't been dating. Alan tells Charlie not to tell Jake because he doesn't want him to get his hopes up. Judith and Alan spend a day together at the house, but Jake keeps interrupting when they try to get sensual in the hot-tub. When they take it to the bedroom, Alan screws everything up for himself.
Guest Stars: Sandy Bentley as Sexy Girl, Mandy Bentley as Sexy Girl
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Don Foster (1), Lee Aronsohn
 
52 :03x04 - Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (Oct/10/2005)
Berta moves in with Charlie which causes Alan and Jake to move out when she starts butting in to things.
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Mark Roberts (3), Eddie Gorodetsky
 
53 :03x05 - We Called It Mr. Pinky (Oct/17/2005)
Charlie figures out his commitment issues are because of his unresolved issues with his mother. Jake asks Charlie advice about a girl he likes at school.
Guest Stars: Natalie Zea as Colleen
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Mark Roberts (3), Susan Beavers
 
54 :03x06 - Hi, Mr. Horned One (Oct/24/2005)
Alan dislikes Isabella, Charlie's latest flame. Their rocky start spirals into suspicion of satanic rituals before an unexpeced turn of events scare Isabella off.
Guest Stars: Jodi Lyn O'Keefe as Isabella
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
Story: Eddie Gorodetsky
 
55 :03x07 - Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (Nov/07/2005)
Charlie wakes up with Rose the morning after her birthday party. Her father (guest star and father of Charlie Sheen, Martin Sheen) comes to find out what Charlie plans for their future. But what happens when Evelyn shows up is very strange.
Guest Stars: Martin Sheen as Harvey, June Squibb as Margaret
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
56 :03x08 - That Voodoo That I Do Do (Nov/14/2005)
Charlie cons Jake into taking ballet lessons in order to get close to the teacher.

After his romantic overtures toward an attractive ballet teacher, Mia, are rejected, Charlie will stop at nothing to prove to Alan that he can persuade her to go out on a date with him. When he talks a reluctant Jake into taking her dance class to help his cause, his plan is derailed when Jake falls for her, too.
Guest Stars: Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia
Director: Gary Halvorson
Writer: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (3)
 
57 :03x09 - Madame and Her Special Friend (Nov/21/2005)
Alan strikes up a friendship with Charlie's wealthy and amorous neighbor, Norma, only to find himself on the defensive as she puts on a full-court press to win his affections. Meanwhile, Charlie tries to dissuade Jake from donating money to a televangelist.
Guest Stars: James Edson as Stephan (Bobby) Wasserstein, Cloris Leachman as Norma, April Bowlby as Kim, Phil Abrams as Hector
Director: Asaad Kelada
Writer: Lee Aronsohn
 
58 :03x10 - Something Salted and Twisted (Nov/28/2005)
Charlie helps Alan cope with his lifelong obsession to get women's approval.

Alan organizes a family dinner to celebrate the publication of a newspaper article that calls him a "good doctor, good neighbor and a good guy," but he's crushed when his mother, Evelyn, isn't impressed. After drowning his sorrow in many drinks, he has a life-changing epiphany and vows to a skeptical Charlie that he is no longer going to grovel for validation from his mother and the other women in his life.

* This episode was previously titled "Castration and Scallops"
Guest Stars: Aja Evans as Emily, Jennifer Ann Massey (3) as Sheila, Rebecca McFarland as Leanne
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
Story: Eddie Gorodetsky
 
59 :03x11 - Santa's Village of the Damned (Dec/19/2005)
Just in time for Christmas, Alan falls for Sandy, the teacher of his cooking class, and before long, she moves into the house, fattens the guys up with gourmet meals, drives Berta crazy with housekeeping tips, and generally turns all of their lives upside down with her unnatural pursuit of perfection. Charlie warns Alan that she's a "nester" and needs to be stopped before they reach a point of no return. Sandy turns out to be crazy for Santa.
Guest Stars: Josie Davis as Sandy
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
60 :03x12 - That Special Tug (Jan/09/2006)
Charlie and Alan drop Jake off at a friend's house and head out for some sibling bonding at the movies, but their night is ruined when Alan freaks out after convincing himself that Jake was too eager to spend the weekend away from him. Recognizing that desperate times call for desperate measures, Charlie begins seeing a therapist, ostensibly to learn how to cope with his brother's ever-increasing emotional instability.
Guest Stars: Valerie Azlynn as Beth, Kelley West as Amy, Andrea Bendewald as Terry Sholander, Jane Lynch as Dr. Linda Freeman
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Story: Susan Beavers | Teleplay: Lee Aronsohn
 
61 :03x13 - Humiliation is a Visual Medium (Jan/23/2006)
No one believes Charlie when he says that his relationship with Mia is getting serious, and everyone really thinks he's lost it when he confesses that they have been dating for more than a month and haven't consummated the relationship. After a continuing series of chaste dates -- walking on the beach, visiting an art gallery, going bowling -- that end with Charlie frustrated at Mia's doorstep, he makes a proposal that threatens their burgeoning romance.
Guest Stars: Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia, April Bowlby as Kimber
Director: Rob Schiller (2)
Writer: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
Teleplay: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (3)
 
62 :03x14 - Love Isn't Blind, It's Retarded (Feb/06/2006)
Charlie plans a romantic date with Mia in the hopes of finally consummating their relationship, but his path to the promised land is blocked when she finds out that he hasn't told his former paramours that he's in a committed relationship. Meanwhile, Alan starts dating Kandi, Charlie's most recent ex-girlfriend, who is half his age.
Guest Stars: Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia, April Bowlby as Kandi
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre | Teleplay: Don Foster (1), Susan Beavers
 
63 :03x15 - My Tongue is Meat (Feb/27/2006)
Charlie can't keep pace with the healthy lifestyle that Mia has introduced to their relationship, so he sneaks cigars and beers in the garage and enlists Rose to deliver burgers to him on the sly. When Mia busts him for lying, Charlie has to figure out if he's just whipped or truly in love.
Guest Stars: Jackie Debatin as Ginger, J. D. Walsh as Gordon, Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (3) | Teleplay: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
64 :03x16 - Ergo, The Booty Call (Mar/06/2006)
Alan is having second thoughts about whether he should be dating a woman half his age and is mortified at the idea of introducing Kandi to Evelyn at Jake's birthday party. Meanwhile, Rose continues her passive-aggressive pursuit of Charlie by changing her boyfriend to look almost like an exact copy.
Guest Stars: April Bowlby as Kandi, J. D. Walsh as Gordon, Hugh Holub as Man #1, Brian Thomas Smith (4) as Emmett, Alitzah as Ellie, Susse Budde as Willow
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre | Teleplay: Don Foster (1), Susan Beavers
 
65 :03x17 - The Unfortunate Little Schnauser (Mar/13/2006)
Charlie boycotts an advertising awards banquet, having lost several years in a row to his cocky competitor, Archie. After devising a ploy to get him to attend, Alan, Evelyn and Jake accompany Charlie for support -- until they get to know Archie. Meanwhile, Rose talks Charlie into giving relationship advice to her new beau, Gordon.
Guest Stars: J. D. Walsh as Gordon, Jon Lovitz as Archie, Loren Lester as Emcee
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn | Teleplay: Mark Roberts (3), Eddie Gorodetsky
 
66 :03x18 - The Spit-Covered Cobbler (Mar/20/2006)
When Kandi's old car breaks down, Alan ends up leasing her a new one. Charlie warns him to break things off with her, but when Alan spends his last dime on Kandi's root canal and can't pay Judith's alimony, Charlie is forced to cover for him.
Guest Stars: John Mendoza (1) as Sid, April Bowlby as Kandi
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Mark Roberts (3), Eddie Gorodetsky | Teleplay: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn
 
67 :03x19 - Golly Moses, She's A Muffin (Apr/10/2006)
Charlie's not happy when he learns that Kandi has been living in sin with Alan in his house -- particularly since he himself has been having a dry spell with women. Things begin to look up for Charlie when Judith befriends Kandi, and a special visitor comes knocking on his door.
Guest Stars: April Bowlby as Kandi, Gail O'Grady as Mandi, Diane Delano as Prison Matron
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre | Teleplay: Eddie Gorodetsky, Mark Roberts (3)
 
68 :03x20 - Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (Apr/24/2006)
Alan is depressed that his hot young girlfriend, Kandi, has left him to go stay with his bitter ex-wife, Judith, who has brainwashed her against him. At the advice of Mandi, Kandi's mother, Alan goes to Judith's to try to win her back. Meanwhile, Kandi has set Judith up on a date with Andy, her father.
Guest Stars: Kevin Sorbo as Andy, Gail O'Grady as Mandi, April Bowlby as Kandi
Director: Gary Halvorson
Story: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre | Teleplay: Susan Beavers, Don Foster (1)
 
69 :03x21 - And the Plot Moistens (May/01/2006)
Jake's teacher, Francine, calls in Alan and Judith to discuss Jake's lack of interest in school. Desperate to communicate with someone intelligent while continuing to see his air-headed girlfriend, Kandi, Alan falls for Francine -- in a platonic way. Meanwhile, Charlie helps Jake prepare his audition song for the school musical, which he was forced to try out for by Alan and Judith.
Guest Stars: April Bowlby as Kandi, Julia Campbell (1) as Francine
Director: Jerry Zaks
Story: Jim Patterson | Teleplay: Mark Roberts (3), Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn, Eddie Gorodetsky
 
70 :03x22 - Just Once With Aunt Sophie (May/08/2006)
When a cute girl from Jake's school invites him to a party, Charlie butts in on Alan's milestone moment with his son by offering his own words of wisdom on women. While Alan feels somewhat jealous that Charlie is taking over, he realizes that he also feels envious that his son is receiving some solid advice on scoring with women that he wishes his brother had once taught him.
Guest Stars: Ralph Cole, Jr. as Ricky, Stephanie Brown as Connie
Director: Lee Aronsohn
Teleplay: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
71 :03x23 - Arguments for the Quickie (May/15/2006)
When Charlie finds out that Mia is in town with her dance troupe and has invited him to her performance, he opts not to go and tries to convince Alan (and himself) that he's over her. After surprising Alan (and himself) by showing up, Charlie gets another surprise when Mia explains that she wants something personal from him -- his sperm. Shockingly, commitment-phobic Charlie responds by asking Mia for something as well.
Guest Stars: Art Bonilla as Angry Man (O.S.), Raymond Ma as Mr. Park, Irena A. Hoffman (1) as Fawn, Maria Tornberg as Theresa, Cheyenne Casebier as Jennifer, April Bowlby as Kandi, Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia
Director: James Widdoes
Story: Susan Beavers, Don Foster (1) | Teleplay: Lee Aronsohn, Chuck Lorre
 
72 :03x24 - That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (May/22/2006)
Wedding bells loom as Charlie and Mia make wedding arrangements. But when their families meet, things immediately begin to fall apart. Rose takes the news of the engagement hard, and makes some interesting plans of her own. Additionally, there are questions as to where Alan and Jake will live after Charlie and Mia get married. Ultimately, Charlie and his bride-to-be end up deciding on a small ceremony in Vegas, where a wedding ultimately ensues.
Guest Stars: Emmanuelle Vaugier as Mia, April Bowlby as Kandi, John Vance as Leon, Steven Shaw as Reverend Yarnell
Director: James Widdoes
Story: Chuck Lorre, Lee Aronsohn | Teleplay: Susan Beavers, Don Foster (1)
 
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