Charlie: What are you doing?
Alan: Nothing.
Charlie: Right... having a little me time.
Alan: It wasn't little until you came in.

Charlie: Oh, Alan, again?
Alan: It's not what it looks like.
Charlie: Hey, I get it. You're bored, you're lonely, you can't afford a hooker. But come on, keep it in your room.
Alan: Okay, in my defense, I wasn't expecting you home till later, plus it felt a little naughtier out here, in public.
Charlie: You want naughty? Go yank it on the pitcher's mound at Dodger Stadium!
Alan: Oooh, clever, seventh inning stretch!

Charlie: Oh for God's sake!
Alan: It's not what it looks like.
Charlie: That;s a relief, because it looks like you were masturbating to mariachi music in your car.
Alan: What do you want, I only get AM radiio!