Jake: I thought you had a date tonight.
Charlie: Not a date, a date experience.
Megan: What's the difference?
Charlie: About fifteen hundred dollars!

Charlie: Why I remember being your age. Goin' out with Beth Anderson, she was head cheerleader. I was crazy about her, but she dumped me and left me with nothing but a broken heart. And the clap!
Jake: The what?
Charlie: Wow, you kids today have no idea what that is, do you? I know it sounds cute, the clap (claps his hands), but it burns like Hell!

Russell: Hey Charlie!
Charlie: Oh hey Russell, this is my mother Evelyn, my brother Alan.
Russell: Nice to meet you. Can I interest you folks in a codeine popsicle? It's my own invention.
Charlie: I think we're good Russell.
Russell: If you suck on one of these you'll be great! I call it Springtime on a Stick.