Courtney: I hope you don't mind, I used your toothbrush.
Charlie: No problem. Where'd you use it?
Courtney: Nowhere your mouth hasn't been.

Charlie: I'll spare you the details of my selfish, narcissistic, soul-sucking mother, my deadbeat, oddly effeminate brother, and the future organ donor we call my nephew.
Veronica: Okay.
Charlie: And just to bring you up to speed on my recent romantic adventures. About this time last year, I was engaged to the greatest gal I'd ever met.
Veronica: So, what went wrong?
Charlie: Hard to pinpoint. It could've been my drinking, my compulsive gambling... Or it could've been me sleeping with her best friend.
Veronica: I can see why it'd be hard to pinpoint.

Charlie: I like to think of prostitution as trickle-down economics. Actually, it's all kind of trickle-down. It's very republican, when you think about it.

Alan: I'm not gay, I'm metrosexual.
Charlie: That's just a gay man who can't get laid.