Jake: So how was your date?
Alan: It was fine.
Jake: Did ya get any?
Charlie: You know for the record, a nice dinner doesn't necessarily preclude carpet burns and a bite mark on your ass.
Alan: In this case, it was just dinner and a pleasant conversation.
Charlie: Well that's why God gave us Cinemax and an opposable thumb.
Charlie: C'mon, really, what's the big secret with these women?
Alan: Oh boy, I really don't want to get into it.
Charlie: They're hideous, right?
Evelyn: Alan, we're all here because we love you.
Rose: And we don't wanna see you make a terrible mistake.
Berta: I'm just waiting for my toaster strudle to pop.
Rose: Not that it's any of my business but, I couldn't help but notice the matched set of rotating floozies on your deck earlier.
Charlie: They were for Alan, I was tryna get his mind off of Judith.
Rose: With a night of meaningless and personal group sex? What a good brother.