Johnny: Got insomnia, you know... can't go to sleep before three... got to get up at five to get in here to be on the air by six... (Lying down on the couch) This coffee keeps me sharp as a tack.
Andy: Haven't I heard of you?
Johnny: You're not a cop, are you?
Andy: What happened there? The station fired you for some reason.
Johnny: Well let me tell you something baby, they all fire you sooner or later.
Andy: No, but this was something that you did.
Johnny: Well, we all do things, right?
Andy: It was something that you said.
Johnny: Yeah. Booger.
Johnny: I was making about a hundred thousand a year there. Then one day I said booger, a bunch of bozos called the station, and the next thing I know I'm in Amarillo hosting a garden show.
Johnny: I'll tell you this though, I never thought I'd end up at WKRP in Pittsb - Cincinnati? This is rock bottom.
Les: I wanted to chat, but I had to get on the air with the hog futures.
Johnny: Hogs have futures, I don't.
Les: Good day, and may the good news be yours.
Johnny: Do you know about Carlson's mother?
Andy: Uh huh.
Johnny: Uh huh. You're gonna love it in Amarillo.
Johnny: What's the weather like out there?
Bailey: It's raining.
Johnny: Excuse me a minute. (Commercial ends) And on that happy note, let's take a look at the weather. We have reports that it's coming down in buckets out there (Bailey frantically signals NO!) in other parts of the state. However, experts are predicting that sunny skies will return by noon (Bailey signals again - NO!) but not here. So, if you're on your way to work, you might want to take an umbrella. Or you might not.
Johnny: And now it's time to listen to one of my personal favourites, it's the Halleluiah Tabernacle Choir with their beautiful rendition of "You're having my Baby."
Bailey: I've never gone to a meeting before.
Andy: Well, that's been a mistake.
Bailey: Well, I always thought so.
Johnny: All right, Cincinnati, it is time for this town to get down! You've got Johnny - Doctor Johnny Fever, and I am burnin' up in here - Whoah! We all in critical condition, babies, but you can tell me where it hurts, cuz I got the healing prescription here from the big KRP musical medicine cabinet. Now I am talking about your 50 000 watts intensive care unit, babies! So just sit right back now, relax! Open your ears real wide and say, "Give it to me straight, Doctor, I can take it!" Oh, I almost forgot, fellow babies... BOOGER!!
Andy: You have this thing you call "Eye Witness Weather." What is that?
Les: Well, I just look out the window and witness the weather.
Andy: Uh huh. Well, what about this station's traffic helicopter?
Les: We don't have one.
Andy: So why do we have helicopter reports?
Les: Well, that's just me. See, I get on the air and then I do this - (beating himself on the chest with both hands immitating a helicopter) "The traffic today is light to heavy..."
Jennifer: I am swamped with phone calls out there about whatever Johnny is doing on the air.
Andy: How many?
Andy: Well, you do the best you can.
Jennifer: Okay. Listen Andy, we've never had any calls before, and if this pressure keeps up I'm going to have to have more money.
Andy: Don't give me any more traffic reports until I get you a real helicopter.
Les: Gee thanks Andy, my chest is killing me.
Les: But there are already lots of rock and roll stations in Cincinnati.
Andy: Well, why do you think that is, Les?
Les: Well, I personally think it's a plot of some sort.
Momma Carlson: Arthur, you've never spoken to me that way before!
Mr Carlson: Yeah, well - d'ya like it?
Momma: I hate it. But it's the first time I've seen any sign of backbone in you.
Mr Carlson: Well, while I'm at it, I've got a few other things...
Momma: Don't push it, Arthur.
Mr Carlson: Yes ma'am.
Venus: That's a mean little momma.
Les: I do the sports news here, Mr Flytrap. I don't know if you've noticed, but there certainly are a lot of negroes in sports.
Venus: Yeah, well - say WHAT?
Venus: It is the hour of darkness, children, and Venus is on the rise in Cincinnati. The moon is high (Venus nearly deafens himself with his gong) and so am I! So let's get down, pretty brothers and sisters, to gather as we growl and hoooooowl - right after this words from Shady Hills Rest Home.
(Mr Carlson enters the lobby. Soothing classical music plays)
Mr Carlson: Hey, is that us?
Jennifer: No, this is us.
(She switches stations. From the radio comes this)
Johnny: Hang onto your brains, fellow babies, this is Doctor Johnny Fever and have I got a contest for you! First prize is, you don't have to die! Second prize, a pocket comb!
Herb: Here's a list of the clients we've lost since you've been here.
Mr Carlson: I haven't seen that list. Shady Hills Rest Home, gone. Sincerity Savings and Loan, gone. Rolling Thunder European Regularity Tonics, gone. I didn't know about this.
Herb: Well, it's something that old people take when ...
Mr Carlson: I mean the client list!!