Officer: (testing Johnny's reaction time) According to this, completely sober, he has the reaction time of a man who has had six vodka martinis.
Herb: I'm a giant carp, Andy!
Andy: I know you are, Herb.
Les: (to Herb) I just always pictured you more as a blowfish.
Herb: Hiya gorgeous, how about a couple of drinks after work?
Jennifer: Sorry Charlie.
WPIG Mascot: (to Les) I sometimes listen to your news reports when I need a laugh or two.
WPIG Mascot: Get your fin off me!
Herb: Don't push me, Porky!
Andy: You'll find basically this is a very professionally-run radio station.
Venus: (enters, drunk) Hey white folks! What's happening in the executive suite?
Venus: I want a hat. I need a hat. Cop's got a hat, I need a hat too.
Venus: Every now and then I get this uncontrollable urge to wear a hat.
Reporter: Are you on the air?
Venus: On the air? I am the air! I am the wind! Thanks for the lid, Art.
Officer: This test has been given to hundreds of people! No one's ever got better!!
Venus: Let's you and me swap hats.
Officer: You have obviously built up a super-human tolerance to alcohol.
Johnny: Yes, it's true, it was once sort of a hobby
Johnny: All right fellow babies, that was the Doors, and this is sort of Johnny Fever, kind of Doctor. And after... nine drinks, Venus Flytrap is catatonic, and I myself have personally just seen a giant pig. He is currently painting the walls of our lobby.
Officer: He is obviously drunk, ladies and gentlemen.
Johnny: Yes, he is, and I'm not feeling badly myself.