Johnny: (accepting his award) I guess I have a lot of people to thank, so I'll start with all of my friends at WKRP, and uh, my twelfth grade teacher, and this incredibly beautiful woman to my right! Thank you... (looking her up and down) all of you!
Awards Presenter: And now for the most improved station in the greater Cincinnati area. The nominees are: WREQ, WTNA, and WKRP.
Les: Thank you, Herb! Thank you! Congratulations!
Andy: We haven't won yet, Les.
Presenter: And the winner is - come on up here you crazies!
Les: Crazies! That's us! (runs on stage yelling and laughing an Elmer-Fudd-esque laugh) Go ahead!
Les: What?? This thing's supposed to be fixed!
Bailey: What's with the tux?
Johnny: It's not due back until six.
Bailey: So where did you disappear to last night?
Johnny: Boy, remember that little presenter Celeste?
Bailey: I don't think I'm interested in hearing this.
Johnny: Okay. Let's just say it was an award-winning night all around.
Bailey: You are a sleazebag, Johnny.
Bailey: Les, I'm really sorry that you didn't win the award last night,but that's life. Those are the breaks.
Johnny: Fruit of the Looms a little tight?
Les: That was a primal scream, John. I read about it in a book. It doesn't work for me, but I do it.
Mr Carlson: Runnin' this station's a 24-hour-a-day job! Whaddya think I do round here, sleep?
Andy: Yes, I do.
Mr Carlson: Darn right I sleep. Sometimes I wake up, and when I wake up, I wake up worried, and that's what I call responsible, Travis.
Herb: (on the phone) I'll tell you something pal, I'm not hanging up til I get an answer. I mean, hell could freeze over!
Jennifer: Herb? Mr Carlson asked you to help me take down the decorations for the victory party.
Herb: So watch it! (hangs up)
Bailey: (Bailey explaining her group therapy exercise) I want you to look at Andy, and Andy, I want you to look at Mr Carlson. Just see each other. Get used to one another's ... bodies.
Venus: Just pretend you're on your own private beach. Just you and the water. Isn't that nice? Picture the sun, the sand, and the emerald surf.
Johnny: I want a girl.
Johnny: I want a girl on my beach.
Venus: Okay, everybody's alone except Johnny, who has a girl with him.
Les: Well that's hardly fair!
Venus: I give up.
Johnny: It is recognition, but what else do DJs get? We're just voices in the air, but we're what makes radio live! And what do we get for it? Seems like every year you pack everything up, move to another town, it gets harder and harder to find a station that'll let you program music you wanna play! Then you're 40 and there's some kid half your age who'll take your job and do it for half the money, and then you find yourself making silly demands - free coffee. But that's my little moment of honesty, so we can get back to the nonsense. Herb?
Herb: Thank you John. (standing up) I was born -
All: (General outcries of boredom and dismay)
Herb: Well, I was.
Herb: You oughta try stepping into my suit.
Venus: It must be murder just trying to match the tie with the shoes.
Herb: Sometimes I can't do it.
Les: Wait just a minute here, wait a minute! This meeting is starting to lose some of its bitterness! I don't think that's a healthy trend!
Les: First of all, why are we all here on this planet?
Jennifer: As opposed to where, Les?
Andy: The point of this whole thing is, we don't need to build more walls, what we need to do is, we need to tear down the walls that already separate us. I can't believe I just said that. That is the corniest thing I've ever said in my life. I'm gonna go right back over there and be sick.
Jennifer: There's Mr Carlson, the occasionally confused but always concerned father; Andy, the success-oriented, competent, tight-panted son; Les, the consistently strange bookish brother; Herb, the semi-loveable troublemaker and general jackass; Johnny, the weather-beaten uncle who always wanted to be a sailor - no, that's not right, I never could nail you down; and Venus, the spiritual, loving brother; and Bailey, Bailey the beautiful shy sister with the brains. Now that's what I call a pretty nice family.
Les: Hi dad!
Mr Carlson: Les, I've got enough problems.
Johnny: Look, I'm gonna be going along, I feel a "group hug" building here.
Les: Herb, why do you suppose we're all here on this planet?
(Herb whispers in his ear, and makes mysterious hand motions)
Les: That's disgusting!!
Herb: I know.