TV Hostess: We chose this letter from the thousands we get every week. "Dear Real Families, I'm edified by your broadcast presentation, and the direction of same, on the entire field of television. At my abode, "Real Families" is a must for the entire family. Please accept my sincerest kudos. One criticism though: while yours truly, his wife and kids really get a hoot out of the twisted people you choose to expose, enough is enough! How about showing a real, hardworking, clean-living Joe like myself? How about coming to Cinci? Sincerely, Herbert R. Tarlek, Junior. PS. I know the time difference can be a hassle, so phone anytime. We're just average folks.
TV Host: But are they really average? I mean, who are these Tarleks anyway, huh?
TV Hostess: We're about to find out, as only a Real Families on the Spot Camera Crew can!
TV Host: What do the Tarleks do on an average Sunday morning?
Herb: Well, we get dressed, but you're going to have to excuse us for a minute.
TV Hostess: What do you do after you get dressed?
Herb: Well, uh, I don't know. We, we, we eat breakfast.
TV Host: Then what?
Herb: Then what. Then what?
Lucille: We go to church!
Lucille: We go to church!
Herb: Right, right, we go to church!
Lucille: Uh huh! (To Bunny) You, go get your brother dressed, we're going to church!
Bunny: (squealing) Where??
Herb and Lucille: Church!
Lucille: Just like every Sunday!
TV Host: Just for the heck of it, we decided to follow the Tarleks to church.
TV Hostess: As you can see, the Tarleks just appear to be driving around aimlessly!
TV Host: Then Herb started driving faster. It was like he was trying to lose our camera car. This went on for about twenty minutes.
Lucille: It's a synagogue!
Bunny: This is our pool. You have to blow it up.
Lucille: (rushing out) Honey, time for lunch. Do you ever turn that camera off? No? Oh. Isn't that interesting, uh huh.
Lucille: We only allow the children to watch wholesome, family entertainment.
TV Hostess: Like what?
Lucille: Uh. Well, The Little House on the Prairie. Now that's a fine, wholesome show. It's about blind children out west, and every week they have a fire, or someone gets an incurable disease. We enjoy it very much.
Herb: Well, there's three of us. There's Arthur Carlson, he's the GM, Andy Travis, he's the PD, and me, I'm the S & M. ... SM. Sales Manager. That's, uh, radio jargon.
Johnny: I'm on the air, Herb.
Herb: This is "Real Families." National television.
Johnny: And this is radio in Cincinnati, being interrupted.
Johnny: (on Herb) One of the most imaginative fetishists I have ever met. Listen, I've got a lady friend who'd like to borrow some of your lingerie. Did the horses pay off? I won't need those drugs, Herb. It's really okay. I appreciate the offer. The kick-back from me...
Andy: Oh yeah, he's quite a guy, he's quite a guy. I could tell you some stories.
TV host: Tell us one.
TV Hostess: Andy, Herb tells us that he often picks records and programs the music at WKRP. Wouldn't that be your job?
Andy: Herb said that?
TV Hostess: Uh huh.
Andy: Well, you know, I go to Herb for advice, as we all do. He's just a good man to talk to. I would say that Herb Tarlek is a hard worker, a loyal husband, and all around fine person.
Venus: Herb is a hard worker, a loyal husband, and an all around fine person.
Bailey: Um, Herb Tarlek is a, uh, a loyal worker. No! He's a loyal husband. He's a loyal husband, um... um. He's a loyal...
Les: (showing his awards) I won this one in 1975 when I broke the big soybean shortage story. Now over here - over here...
TV host: Say Les?
TV Host: What's Herb Tarlek like?
Les: Hard worker, loyal husband, all around fine person. Now this, this is the coveted Silver Sow Award. I'm sure your viewers would love to touch it!
Johnny: Hard worker, loyal husband, fine person.
Bailey: (confused) He's a loyal, all around...
Mr Carlson: Herb Tarlek is a hard worker, loyal husband and all around fine person.
Jennifer: Hard worker, loyal husband, and all around fine person.
Bailey: All around fine person. There! I did it!
Lucille: I pick up the food here in these aisles, and I pay for it over there. And these carts make it quite easy!
TV Hostess: What about prices?
Lucille: Oh, that's how you know what to pay!
Lucille: I think Jennifer had a crush on Herb at one time, but that's all over now.
Lucille: I think my hand is frozen to this box of ice cream.
TV Hostess: What did you see in Herb?
Jennifer: It was his wardrobe, and he has an artificial leg.
Johnny: In the first place, Herb's name isn't Tarlek, it's Neitche. He's directly related to the famous nihilist philosopher. See, he came to America to prove through the use of polyester that God is dead, and I think he's succeeded admirably, don't you?
SPCA Worker: Mr Tarlek had placed some ducks in the window of Hunter's Department Store as an advertising gimmick with his radio station. At noon, one, two and three PM, the ducks would do a little dance, sort of a jitterbug.
TV Hostess: Mr Tarlek had trained the ducks?
SPCA Worker: No, the ducks danced on a little stage made of aluminum foil. We discovered that under that, Mr Tarlek had placed a hot plate. He would turn it up, and the ducks would dance, and he would turn it off and the ducks would go on about their business. You know the interesting thing about this case was that this man Tarlek and another man named Carlson were cited for throwing live turkeys out of a helicopter to their deaths.
Bunny: And Mommy took away all Herb the Third's dolls, and told me to keep my mouth shut or he'd break my arm.
TV Host: Has your marriage turned out the way you dreamed it would?
Lucille: No. No, it hasn't. Has yours?
TV Hostess: Why do you love Herb? What's the main reason?
Lucille: He's got a great body.
TV Hostess: Except for the missing leg.
Lucille: Excuse me?
Herb: The truth? You mean what's real?
TV Host: That's right.
Herb: I'll tell you what's real. My life is boring. But you can't show that because this is a TV show. You've gotta dig up a lot of the dirt so you can get the ratings, so you don't get cancelled. Now that's real.