Bailey: You know, I remember my grandmother making these very same cookies... but I don't remember them tasting this bad.
Herb: Les, it's Christmas. You gotta have ham, that's what pigs are for.
Venus: Thanks, who made these?
Johnny: I did.
Venus: (putting it back) Maybe later.
Johnny: People in prison get better bonuses than that.
Herb: They do?
Les: For the last half decade, Mr Carlson has promised us that when the station reached fiscal soundness, we the employees would share in that financial good fortune. Well, my fine feathered friend, that time is now upon us. The chickens have come home to roost. Push has come to shove! The hogs have all gone to market! The cows are out to pasture! The uh... the uh... the uh...
(Andy ignores him and turns back to the others)
Andy: Look everybody, I'm on your side in this, but it's Carlson's decision. Now, while he's a very fine, upstanding man with many endearing qualities, I don't think we can forget that he has Genghis Khan for a mother.
Mr Carlson: (entering) Who has Genghis Khan for a mother?
All: I do.
Mr Carlson: Must be an epidemic.
Venus: Yes, Sir, it is.
Mr Carlson: Why aren't you on the air, Fever?
Johnny: I'm the morning man, and it's five in the afternoon.
Mr Carlson: Well, just because it's Christmas doesn't mean we drop the ball. This is a business here!
Venus: Last year you said it was a family.
Mr Carlson: Yes, well, it's a family business.
Ghost: This is your grandfather, Arthur boy, back from the cold dark grave.
Mr Carlson: But you're dead.
Ghost: I just said back from the cold dark grave! Try to pay attention, okay? I have come here...
Mr Carlson: Wait a minute, this isn't gonna be another one of those Charles Dickens "Christmas Carol" things, is it?
Ghost: Uh huh.
Mr Carlson: Ooo, boy.
Ghost: Buster, before you wake up, you're going to be haunted by three ghosts.
Mr Carlson: I got it. One two three. Three ghosts.
Ghost: Heed their words, it might be good for you. I gotta run, any questions?
Mr Carlson: Yeah. I can't wake up.
Ghost: I know.
Mr Carlson: Well, Scrooge could wake up.
Ghost: He didn't eat one of Johnny's brownies.
Jennifer Ghost: I am the ghost of Christmas past!
Mr Carlson: Aw, c'mon Jennifer, knock that stuff off.
Jennifer Ghost: (in a "humor me, okay?" voice) I am the ghost of Christmas past.
Mr Carlson: Okay okay, you don't have to get huffy about it.
(Dec 24, 1954)
Don Bassett: (on Volkswagons) Nobody's gonna buy those cars. They're too small, and they're too ugly. It's a fad, just like TV.
Young Les: What is it?
Mr Armour: It's a tie, Les, but a very important tie. You're no longer just an office boy. Don and I have decided to make you a real full-blown cub reporter!
Young Les: Full-blown! (pulling a bow tie out of the box) Oh, Mr Armour, I promise you'll never see me without a tie again. Thank you!
Mr Carlson: Gone. I'm alone. And in bad lighting again.
Andy: Well, look, everybody.
Mr Carlson: You tell 'em, Andy.
Andy: Carlson is, uh...
Mr Carlson: Carlson is uh what? Go on!
Andy: Well, he's...
Mr Carlson: Go on!
Mr Carlson: Right. What??
Johnny Ghost: Bailey runs a television station in Chicago. Travis is breeding guard dogs in New Mexico. Venus owns a clothing company called "Upwardly Mobile." Jennifer married and bought herself an entire island off the coast of Sardinia. Les Nessman? The Republican whip of the United States Senate!
Mr Carlson: What about you and me? Fever and me?
Johnny Ghost: Well, Fever just sort of ... disappeared. There were rumours, of course, but really not much else.
Mr Carlson: And me? No no, don't tell me, I don't want to know. I'm dead, aren't I?
Mr Carlson: Hey listen Fever, those brownies: I want 'em. I'll take those things over to mother's house, gonna put one in her martini!