Andy: Herb is a hosepail.
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Les: You ate a pheasant?
Johnny: I guess so.
Les: A whole pheasant?
Johnny: I don't know, Les. It was the most expensive thing on the menu, so I got it.
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Andy: (whispering) Herb, you have any idea what time it is?
Herb: (whispering cheerfully back) Round two.
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Andy: Herb, I'm gonna punch you right in your polyester heart.
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Andy: Since when does Herb keep a bottle of whiskey in his desk? Bailey?
Bailey: Uh, a month or so.
Andy: I wonder what else he's got in there.
Les: Three combs, a brush, breath spray, six or seven bottles of aftershave, and some clean socks. Of course, I'm just guessing.
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Jennifer: (to Venus and Johnny) Oh, thank you gentlemen. And, you know, don't let anybody tell you that you two hang around together too much, all right?
(Venus and Johnny put their arms around each other and exit)
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Andy: I believe that you got upholstered at lunch and forgot all about Morgenson.
Herb: You're wrong, Andy. I forgot about the meeting before we started drinking.
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Herb: (putting his arm around a stranger at the bar) How you doing? (The man leaves. Herb takes his chair.) Thanks a lot, buddy.
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Herb: Well, I have to drive, because I can't walk.
Charlie Bathgate: Can you drive me home, because I can't see.
Herb: Absolutely. I can't see you either.
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Venus: Is Herb here yet?
Johnny: Didn't you hear? Spontaneous combustion, he just went up in flames. Nothing left but a pile of synthetic ash.
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Johnny: (watching Herb pour scotch from one bottle into another) What are you doing?
Herb: Aging scotch.
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Johnny: Where's the ticket?
Herb: Uh... in my desk.
Johnny: Not according to Les.
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Andy: Why don't you ever say anything??
Mr Carlson: Because I'm the strong silent type.
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Mr Carlson: We all have our little ways of dealing with things. I have trouble dealing with people, so I have Jennifer tell them I'm dead.
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Mr Carlson: There is one thing I do want to know, and I want to have an honest answer.
Herb: Sure.
Mr Carlson: Did you make this scotch yourself?
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Herb: I just wnated to apologize for being such an idiot the other day.
Andy: Don't mention it. We know you can't help it.
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