Johnny: (to Herb) You know, your ... friend here is rather reptilian. But if you put him on the air, you are definitely a snake.
Mr Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
Andy: What's that, sir?
Mr Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.
Lawyer: You don't pay my retainer, you know. Your mother does. So I'm gonna be reporting to her.
Mr Carlson: You will.
Lawyer: Uh huh. Your mother doesn't go to court. It's far too expensive, and it's messy. So if it's your intention to ignore my advice, I'm gonna tell on you.
Venus: Andy, real speed is gone because it killed everybody. Junkies don't even want it back!
Johnny: And once the Republicans got in, everyone just switched to downers!
Johnny: Whereas it is stricly the opinion of this announcer, and therefore by no means a proveable fact, the sponser you're about to hear from is, to wit, a real scumbucket.
(The commercial follows, played at various speeds)
Mr Carlson: All right ladies, let me tell you what I think we ought to do. Jennifer, would you please call my lawyer? Bailey, would you mind bringing me the heads of Johnny Fever and Venus Flytrap on a platter? Where's Travis?
Jennifer: Downstairs, donut shop.
Mr Carlson: Call down and tell him never to come in here again. And have Les beaten up for no particular reason.
Bailey: Oh, I'll handle that. What about Herb?
Mr Carlson: Herb is mine. Thank you, ladies. Gee! Pleasure doing business with women.
Lawyer: Well, I think the legal term for it would be "Your keister is in a sling."
Mr Carlson: Ooo boy.
Andy: All right, out of the way guys, Herbert's going on the air.
Johnny: You know, it's funny. You work here long enough, you start hallucinating.
Andy: Get out!
Johnny: Herb's going on the air?
Venus: Does this mean we'll have to go out and sell something?