Jaye/Narrator: Niagara Falls, one of the seven natural wonders of the world, America’s vacationland and honeymoon capital of the Greater Buffalo region.
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Kid: What happened to the chief?
Jaye: He died.
Kid: Why’d the princess live?
Jaye: Because she was hot. You gonna buy the tape?
Kid: No.
Jaye: Then get out! No loitering.
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Gretchen: I thought I’d pick up a few souvenirs. I guess I should call them “tchochkies” now that I’m Jewish.
Jaye: (blank look)
Gretchen: Converted for love.
Jaye: So, you don’t really believe in it?
Gretchen: (laughs) Stop!
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Aaron: referring to Jaye She lives in a trailer park. Clearly she’s disturbed.
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Darrin: You don’t just start popping pills because you feel a little down. I mean, there are other ways to deal with depression. (to Jaye, loudly) Sweetheart? When’s the last time you had an orgasm?
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Dr. Ron: Would you say your family life is stressful?
Jaye: Not that I’m aware of. Does my mother say it’s stressful?
Dr. Ron: We’re not talking about your mother.
Jaye: (quietly) Not yet.
Dr. Ron: Do you feel pressure to live up to your mother’s expectains?
Jaye: I thought we weren’t talking about my mother.
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Jaye: So, you’re a lesbian now?
Sharon: Just now.
Jaye: I could see doing a girl… In prison… If there were no guys around… Especially if the girl was Drew Berrymore.
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Dr. Ron: I understand there’s some animosity between you and your sister. Care to elaborate?
Jaye: She hates me.
Dr. Ron: “Hate” is a strong word.
Jaye: Yeah. (shrugs) What’re you gonna do?
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Dr. Ron: When’s the last time you told your sister you loved her?
Jaye: I don’t know how you do things in your family, but we weren’t raised that way.
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Eric: You know, I’ve been thinking. I’m almost dumb enough to start something on the rebound. What do you say?
Jaye: Sweet of you to offer, but I may be clinically insane. You might wanna hold out for someone a little more stable.
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Young Girl: (seeing Jaye fishing a quarter out of the fountain) You’re not supposed to steal.
Jaye: You’re not supposed to talk to strangers. Piss off!
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Jaye: (to the wax lion) (whispering) You can’t talk! You don’t have a larynx!
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Sharon: (to Jaye) This better be good, because I’m having a real hard time getting it up for your drama.
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Sharon: (to Poor Bitch) I’m a lesbian. The reason I’m not attracted to you, is your genitals are on the outside.
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Jaye: I think the Universe is conspiring against me.
Eric: The whole Universe? Not just the Milky Way or the Planet Earth? The entire Universe?
Jaye: All of Creation. It’s a plot. I know that now.
Eric: And what’s the Universe plotting?
Jaye: Couldn’t tell you. Vanna hasn’t turned over enough letters yet.
Eric: I always thought that Vanna White had a big head.
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ER Doctor: Actually, the medium-point Bic Round Stic is the preferred pen for emergency tracheotomies.
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Gretchen: Did you end up “over-educated and under-employed” like it said in the yearbook?
Jaye: (looking around at Wonderfalls Gift Emporium) Yep!
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Jaye: I thought if I could just get my sister laid the little wax lion might just shut up.
Eric: The wax lion wanted your sister to have sex?
Jaye: I'm assuming.
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Jaye: What was that crack about you being a lesbian?
Sharon: Um . . . er . . .
Jaye: Are you a lesbian? I mean, it's not horribly surprising but are you?
Sharon: What do you mean it's not horribly surprising?
Jaye: You drive an SUV.
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