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Aging mobster Gilbert DeRetzo faced serious illness, and this caused certain reassessments. One of these led to him purchasing the Cross of Bayonne from a rival, and then donating the priceless golden and bejeweled relic to the Church. He arranges couriers from his home in Mexico (he cannot himself enter the United States). One pair will take it to the border and convey it to a second pair. They will take it the rest of the way. DeRetzo seals the cross into a case and handcuffs this to a priest. At the archdiocese a priest opens the case. Inside is a cross-shaped chunk of metal. Who stole the cross without disturbing the seal and under the noses of its couriers? And how?
Cardinal: It disappeared without a trace. Almost as if... by magic.
Banacek: Well, I believe in an occasional miracle, but not in magic.
Cardinal: Of course, there are enough slivers of wood in the world from the True Cross to make a whole forest of crosses.
Banacek: "Twelve good horses and silver candlesticks won't stop the snow falling in Bialystok." It's an old Polish proverb saying.
Alisa Donato: Is there an old Polish translation?
Banacek: Well, I think it means, there's some things money can't buy.
Gilbert Deretzo: I don't know how he did it, but I know he's got it.
Banacek: Okay, I'll go to him and ask him to give it back.
Gilbert Deretzo: Look, Banana-check.
Gilbert Deretzo: All right, have it your way.
Alicia Danato: Oh, I'm sure Mr. Banacek is used to bikinis by now.
Banacek: Fortunately, never quite.
Gilbert Deretzo: You really Polish?
Banacek: That's right.
Gilbert Deretzo: Both sides?
Banacek: All sides.
Jay: "Dig," he says. Dig what? What does he think I am, some kind of archie-ologist?
Jay: Oh, I got us a real nice hotel right in the middle of Beverly Hills, with a swimming pool and everything.
Banacek: What's everything?
Jay: I don't know, everything, like color TV, and the drinking glasses in the bathroom... they're all wrapped up.