Blackadder: Ah, Melchett! Greetings! I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Melchett: And compliments of the season to you, Blackadder. May the Yuletide log slip from your fire and burn your house down.
Lord Blackadder: HA! Got him with my subtle plan!
Baldrick: I can't see any subtle plan!
Lord Blackadder: Baldrick, you wouldn't see a subtle plan if it painted itself purple and danced naked on top of a harpsichord, singing "Subtle plans are here again!"
Lord Blackadder: I trust Christmas brings to you its traditional mix of good food and violent stomach cramp.
Ebenezer Blackadder: My, what a jolly young girl.
Baldrick: Yeah, pity she nicked all the presents.
Ebenezer Blackadder: My what a jolly fellow.
Baldrick: Looked like a fat git to me.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes Baldrick, but if one peels away the layers of a 'fat git' you'll probably find a...
Baldrick: Thin git!
Mrs. Scratchit: (sobbing) No goose for Tiny Tom this year.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Mrs. Scratchit, Tiny Tom is fifteen stone and built like a brick privy. If he eats anymore heartily, he will turn into a pie shop.
Lord Frondo: What news of the foul Marmydons?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: Scattered to the nine vectors, m'lord.
Lord Frondo: And the Sheepsqueezers of Splatticon Five? Have they been suckcreamed as a Qvarnbeast's nobbo?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: Well they're dead, if that's what you mean.
Lord Pigmot: Plus Commander, did you vanquish the Nibblepibblies?
Grand Admiral Blackadder: No, my lord Pigmot, I did not vanquish the Nibblepibbles because you just made them up.
Ebenezer Blackadder: I'm afraid the only way you are likely to get a wet kiss at Christmas, or indeed at any other time, is to make a pass at a water closet.
Ebeneezer Blackadder: In fact, there is something in your stocking, Baldrick, something I made for you.
Baldrick: Ah, well that's the best kind of gift, Mr. B. What is it?
Ebeneezer Blackadder: It's a fist. It's for hitting people with.
(He punches Baldrick)
Ebeneezer Blackadder: And the great thing is, you can use it again and again!
Christmas Carolers: (sung to the tune of "God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen") God bless Mister B. at Christmastime / And baby Jesus too / If we were little pigs we'd sing: / "Piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, piiiiiiig-gy wiggy wiggy woo / Piggy-wiggy-woo / Oh, pig wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wiggy-wooooooo!"
Ebenezer Blackadder: (applauds) UTTER crap!
(Ebeneezer Blackadder holds up a small pine twig in lieu of a proper Christmas tree)
Baldrick: It's a bit of a tiddler, ain't it?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes but size isn't important, my friend. It's not what you've got, it's where you stick it!
Baldrick: Mr. B! Where's the milk of human kindness?
Ebenezer Blackadder: It's gone off, Baldrick. It stinks.
(Blackadder has just unwittingly slammed the door in the faces of Queen Victoria and Prince Albert)
Ebenezer Blackadder: I am not at home to guests!
Prince Albert: I flatter myzelf ve are llather special guests, sir.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course, I must apologize! It isn't often that one recieves a Christmas visit from two such distinguished guests.
Prince Albert: Ah, zo you llecognize us at last!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes! Unless I'm very much mistaken, you're the winner of the 'Round Britain Shortest Fattest Dumpiest Woman Competition. And for her to be accompanied by the winner of this year's Stupidest Accent Award is really quite overwhelming.
Baldrick: I've been helping out with the workhouse Nativity play.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, of course. How did it go?
Baldrick: Well, not very well. At the last moment, the baby playing Jesus died!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! This high infant mortality rate's a real devil when it comes to staging quality children's theatre. What did you do?
Baldrick: Got another Jesus.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, thank goodness. And his name?
Baldrick: "Spot." There weren't any more children so we had to settle for a dog instead.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. I'm not convinced that Christianity would have established its firm grip over the hearts and minds of mankind, if all Jesus had ever said was "woof!"
Baldrick: Well, it went all right until the shepherds came on. See, we haven't been able to get any real sheep, so we had to stick some wool...
Ebenezer Blackadder: On some other dogs!
Baldrick: Yeah. And the moment Jesus got a whiff of them, he's away! While the angel's singing "peace on earth, good will to mankind," Jesus scampers across and tries to get one of the sheep to give him a piggy-back ride!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Scarcely appropriate behaviour for the Son of God, Mr. Baldrick! Weren't the children upset?
Baldrick: No, they loved it! They want us to do another one at Easter. They want to see us nail up the dog!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Can I get you a cup or tea or anything?
The Spirit of Christmas: You wouldn't have anything a wee bit more...medicinal?
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, I see. No, I've only got some of "Nurse McCready's Surgical Bruise Lotion."
(He takes the bottles from Blackadder)
The Spirit of Christmas: Oh! Nothing but the best at this house!
The Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's a nice change from all these skinflints. You know that old fella across the road? Bags of money; I caught him trying to cut down on his heating bills by using his "John Thomas" as a draught excluder!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear! Old people today! Tell me, how do you get them to change their ways?
The Spirit of Christmas: Well, it's all visions these days. We used to use black-and-white line drawings, but the visions are more effective!
Ebenezer Blackadder: So, let's get this straight: If I was bad, my descendants would rule the entire universe!
The Spirit of Christmas: Maybe...Maybe...But would you be happy? Being ruler of the universe is not all it's cracked up to be - there's the long hours...I mean, you wave at people the whole time. You're no longer your own boss.
Ebenezer Blackadder: But, so, what if I stayed good? What then does the future hold?
The Spirit of Christmas: Ah, well, I really must put my foot down here. I've got four hauntings and a
"scare-the-bugger-to-death" to do before morning.
Ebenezer Blackadder: (counting the year's profits) Seventeen pounds and a penny.
Baldrick: It'd be a lot more if you didn't give away so much money to the poor.
Ebenezer Blackadder: Well, yes, but in the feeling-good ledger of life, we are rich indeed!
Baldrick: Yeah, I just wish we weren't doing so well in the bit-short-of-prezzies-and-feeling-a-gullible-prat ledger.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq: Shall I begin the Christmas story?
Prince George: Absolutely, as long as it's not that terribly depressing one about the chap who gets born on Christmas Day, shoots his mouth off about everything under the sun, and then comes a cropper with a couple of rum coves on top of a hill in Johnny Arab land.
Edmund Blackadder, Esq: You mean Jesus, sire...?
Prince George: Yes, that's the fellow! Keep him out of it. He always spoils the Xmas atmos!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Ah, my dear Millicent, come for her dinner. (looks at Ralph)...and she seems to have brought the fish course with her! Who, my dear, is the huge halibut in the trousers?
Ralph: I think...it's me!
Millicent: This is Ralph, he's my fiance!
Ralph: We're in love!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Oh, dear. Ill-conceived love, I should warn you, is like a Christmas cracker: one massively disappointing bang, and the novelty soon wears off.
(Millicent and Ralph laugh obnoxiously)
Ebenezer Blackadder: Shut up!
Millicent: Oh, Mr. Blackadder! What's happened? You've changed from the nicest man in England into the...the horridest man in the world!
Baldrick: I was thinking the same thing myself.
(Blackadder hits him)
Ebenezer Blackadder: When spoken to. (to Millicent) I would explain, my dear, but I fear that you wouldn't understand - blessed as you are with a head that is emptier than a hermit's address book!
Ebenezer Blackadder: (to Queen Victoria) Cork it, fatso! Don't you realise that this is the Victorian Age, where apart from Queen Piglet-Features herself, women and children are to be seen and not heard!
Prince Albert: Queen Piglet-Features!
Ebenezer Blackadder: Yes! "Empress Oink," us lads call her. The only person in the kingdom who looks dafter than her is that stupid Frankfurter of a husband. "The Pig and the Prig," we call them. How they ever managed to produce their one hundred and twelve children is quite beyond me. The bed-chambers of Buckingham Palace must be copiously supplied with blindfolds!
Prince George: Ah, hurrah! Welcome, lads! Ah, this is the stuff, eh? Christmas sherry and charades with honest, manly fellows! I mean, for heaven's sake, what can I do with a girl that I can't do with you, eh?
Edmund Blackadder, Esq: I cannot conceive, sir.
Grand Admiral Baldrick: Good news...for the enemy. They completely destroyed our entire army. I got a bit confused and dropped a bomb on our lot.
(A reformed Ebenezer Blackadder hands Baldrick the money he just lifted from his goddaughter's fiancé)
Ebenezer Blackadder: Baldrick, I want you to take this and go out and buy a turkey so large, you'd think its mother had been rogered by an omnibus.
(Baldrick opens the door to find Queen Victoria, Prince Albert, and their aide prepared to give Ebenezer Blackadder a reward for his generosity)
Queen Victoria: We are Queen Victoria.
Baldrick: What, all three of you?
(Baldrick has just given Lord Blackadder a present)
Baldrick: You got anything for me?
Lord Blackadder: Oh, it's nothing, really.
Baldrick: Oh, sir!
Lord Blackadder: No, it's really nothing. I haven't got anything.
Lord Blackadder: (referring to Queen Elizabeth) That woman's about as subtle as a rhinoceros horn up the backside.
Theme from Blackadder's Christmas Carol:
He's kind and generous to the sick
He'd never spread a nasty rumour
He never gets on people's wick
And doesn't laugh at toilet humour
He's sickeningly good
As nice as Christmas pud