Martine: Here. Let mama relax you.
Gunter: Stop calling yourself mama. I don’t want to be in bed with my mother.
Martine: Relax, baby.
Gunter: Quit calling me baby! I don’t want to be a baby in bed with my mother. I’m... adult in size.
Gunter: You cannot have this baby! Martine, if you have this baby, I will send it back in the womb!
Johann Tannhauser: Gunter, you are my rock star, you know this. You kill everything I ask you to kill. You even kill extra things, like—like dogs and cats along the way. People just crossing the road. You killed everyone on that boat, remember? You drowned them from the inside, it was beautiful. You killed that guy on his wedding with piano wire, while he was playing piano. I love you for this stuff.
Johann Tannhauser: Just kill her.
Gunter: Why not kill her yourself?
Johann Tannhauser: I don’t want to kill her. You kill her. You love killing things. You kill everything you see. You even tried to kill me once. You tried to kill yourself once. Come on, you crazy bastard, kill her, do it, you love it, wrap yourself in Jews and kill her. You’re acting like a snail on a wet Friday, what’s going on?
Gunter: Nothing, sir. You made me what I am today. Insane.
Johann Tannhauser: Yes, I did, didn’t I? Goodbye.
Gunter: I am Gunter Vogler, and you are about to be robbed by a master criminal. Sadly, you will not be able to tell your friends and family about it because I will be killing most of you today. It is just my nature.
Karl: I say we kill the bastard. Even the most vicious animal on the planet, a wolf, has more compassion than this monster.
Braden: The most vicious animal on the planet is not a wolf, Hagerman. It’s a hippopotamus. And Gunter Vogler is my secret weapon. I will finally bring Johann Tannhauser to justice.
Karl: It won’t work. It’s like trying to find a word that rhymes with “vinegar.”
Karl: You killed my partner.
Karl: And all my partners before him.
Gunter: Well, better get a new one. Or I might kill you just to keep my quota up.
Gunter: Whose face am I looking at?!?
Karl: The face of my partner, the man you murdered. My best friend. You don’t deserve to have his face. It makes me want to vomit a baked ham.
Gunter: He can’t! He cannot shoot his best friend. Unlike me, who shot all my friends, including one on his birthday. Go ahead, bullyman, shoot!
Gunter: What is that? A little yellow gun. What does it shoot, lemonade?
Braden: No. Electrical current.
Gunter: And... you’re going to shoot me with that?
Braden: What do you recall about being shot in the face?
Gunter: That it sucked.
Gunter: I will not live my life with some other face I do not recognize. I am not Mickey Rourke.
Gunter: Why would that woman shoot me? We had dinner reservations later!
Braden: I’ve warned everyone that you’re not exactly your same old self.
Braden: Had a little bit of memory loss. And interestingly, now you speak with a German accent.
Gunter: Right. I can buy that. Wunderbar.
Gunter: Why are you praying, Hagerman?
Karl: Why? I’m sitting next to the man who killed my partner, and he’s got his face. I feel like God is punishing me.
Gunter: Uhh, Satan is just showing you a great time.
(at a strip club)
Karl: What am I supposed to do?
Gunter: Enjoy yourself. Your penis has other uses besides urination and embarrassment.
Lustig Balder: If I tell you that, he’ll kill me.
Gunter: If you don’t, I will kill you.
Lustig Balder: These are not good choices.
Gunter: Martine shot me in the face. Why?
Lustig Balder: Tannhauser told her to. She saved her life by shooting you. Also, her unborn child. The baby is Tannhauser's.
Gunter: Lies! The baby is mine! We even discussed naming it "Mine"!
Braden: Your soul is poison, Mr. Vogler. Why not seek redemption?
Gunter: Because I’m not a coupon.
Braden: The man that you murdered, I was in love with. The man whose face you now bear, hurt me very deeply.
Gunter: Why? Did he not use lubricant?
(after kissing Gunter)
Braden: How was that?
Gunter: Mediocre. Where did you learn to kiss, a slaughterhouse?
Racken: Boy oh boy. You got a lot of balls coming here.
Gunter: These are my testicles, no? My prostate is greatly enlarged.
Racken: A sense of humor. So what can I do for you besides take your life?
Karl: But as long as you wear my partner’s face, my conscience demands I protect you.
Gunter: I will not live my life in this shell. I am not some frickin’ lobster.
Karl: The shell you inhabit was not for a crustacean. It belonged to a good and decent man. A man I loved more than a brother. This city could use a good bad man right now.