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Family Guy: Back to the Woods

James Woods returns after being locked in a crate to seek revenge against Peter.

First, James steals Peter's identity and moves in as head of the Griffin household. Then, Peter goes out and ruins James career and image


Episode Info  

Episode number: 6x9
Production Number: 6ACX02
Airdate: Sunday February 17th, 2008

Writer: Tom Devanney

Alternate Airdates:

UK (itv2) Jun 08, 2008

Guest Stars
John VienerJohn Viener
voiced Rob
John VienerJohn Viener
voiced Rob
James WoodsJames Woods
voiced Himself
James WoodsJames Woods
voiced Himself
Patrick WarburtonPatrick Warburton
voiced Joe Swanson
Patrick WarburtonPatrick Warburton
voiced Joe Swanson
James BurkholderJames Burkholder
voiced Kid
James BurkholderJames Burkholder
voiced Kid
Danny Smith (1)Danny Smith (1)
voiced Barber
Danny Smith (1)Danny Smith (1)
voiced Barber
Barry ManilowBarry Manilow
voiced Himself
Barry ManilowBarry Manilow
voiced Himself
Main Cast
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
voiced Peter Griffin | Stewie Griffin | Brian Griffin | Various Characters
Seth MacFarlaneSeth MacFarlane
voiced Peter Griffin | Stewie Griffin | Brian Griffin | Various Characters
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
voiced Lois Griffin | Various Characters
Alex BorsteinAlex Borstein
voiced Lois Griffin | Various Characters
Seth GreenSeth Green
voiced Chris Griffin | Various Characters
Mila KunisMila Kunis
voiced Meg Griffin
Mila KunisMila Kunis
voiced Meg Griffin
Mike Henry (1)Mike Henry (1)
voiced Cleveland Brown | Various Characters
Episode Notes
(For some reason) has called 'Back to the Woods' the 6th season premiere.

ArtistSong TitlePlayed When
Barry ManilowMandy 

Episode Quotes
(Intro Music)
{At the Drunken Clam}
TV Announcer: And now back to G.I. Jose
Kid #1: Hey guys, let's go swim in the old quarry
Kids: Yea!
Jose: Wait a minute kids, don't go swimming in that quarry, it's dangerous.
Kids: Wow, thanks G.I. Jose
Jose: Hey, you guys want to buy some gum, cotton candy or a stuffed animal? How 'bout an inflatable mallet huh, this is fun. You can hit your friend on the head with it, but don't hit him on the head with it.
Kid #1: Yeah thanks, I don't really need any of that stuff
Jose: You have any dents you need hammered out?
(Theme Song) G.I. Jose

Tom: Good evening, I'm Tom Tucker. Coming up, important traffic news that can't help because your some place where a TV is.
Dianne: But first get ready Quahog because Barry Manilow will be performing this weekend at the Quahog Performing Arts Center

Peter: Heh. Barry Manilow
Joe: What a joke
Glen: Sounds stupid
Cleveland: And boring as hell
Peter: Yeah no kidding
Joe: You couldn't pay me to go to that thing
Peter: Hey you know what we should do, we should go just as a goof
Glen: That'd be hilarious
Joe: yeah just to look at all the idiots
Cleveland: All the dumb ass Manilow fans
Glen: Yeah... well he's got like one good song
Peter: Well yeah 'Mandy' is not terrible
Joe: Yeah the opening is okay
Cleveland: And I guess you can't hate 'Copa Cabana'
Glen: Yeah if you're in the right mood
Joe: 'Daybreak' is a good song
Cleveland: Oh yeah
Peter: That's a good song, and I like 'Weekend in New England'
Glen: Yeah that's a good one. 'Looks Like We Made It'
Peter: Yeah, that's not bad
Glen: Right
Joe: I love Barry Manilow
Peter: Oh My God he's the best!
Glen: I have everything he's ever recorded!
Cleveland: Me Too in my car!
Peter: We HAVE to go to that concert
Glen: We are going to that concert!
(All singing) And I'm ready to take a chance again
Ready to put my love on the line with you
Been living with nothing to show for it
You get what you get when you go for it
(Fade to Manilow's concert w/ Barry singing)
And I'm ready to take a change again with you

Barry Manilow: Thank you, thank you very much
(from audience) Peter: You're welcome
Barry Manilow: For this next song I'm going to need some help from a member of the audience. So let's see um... what's your name?
Woman #1 in crowd: Claire
Barry Manilow: Uhhh no I don't like that, what's yours?
Woman #2 in crowd: Harriet
Barry Manilow: Uh no it's got to be 2 syllables
Peter: Peter!
Cleveland: Cleveland!
Joe: Joseph! Joseph!
Glen: Quagmire!
Barry Manilow: Wow that's exotic, alright why don't you come up and join me on the stage.
(Peter, Cleveland & Joe gasp)
(To Glen) Peter: Go Go Go Go
Joe: I hate you so much right now

(Singing to Glen) Barry Manilow: The night goes in to morning just another day
Happy people pass my way
looking in their eyes I see a memory and I never realized how happy you made me oh Quagmire, well you came and you gave without taking.
Glen: I would never take from you Barry
(singing) Barry Manilow: But I sent you away oh Quagmire, you kissed me and stopped me from shaking, and I need you today oh Quagmire.
Peter: God he's so talented, you know he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles
Cleveland: I don't care for them not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn

{Inside a KFC}
Foghorn: I say I say son, wha, what do we got brewing in here. I was walking by when I picked up the smell of 11 herbs and spices
(The Colonel chops Foghorn's head off)
Foghorn's Head: Well look at that boy, running around like a chicken with his head... wait a minute.

{Griffin Living Room}
TV Announcer: This Sunday Sunday Sunday, One day only Lasic Eye Center will heal your eyes.
How much would you pay for laser eye surgery? $500, $700, $10,000. How about $12? Dr. Lee Feldstein, Fully licensed, Fully trained, Fully Jewish, JEWISH!
So come down now to the Hydrox Arena this Sunday Sunday, Get your eyesight fixed unless you don't have the balls! JEWISH!
Peter: Hey I could go use some jew eye surgery.
What the hell, where's my wallet? Ah crap I must have dropped it at the Barry Manilow concert.
Stewie: Dropped it at the what and where was I?
Lois: Ugh Peter, you and your excuses for losing your wallet, I dropped it at the concert, the hooker took it, it's with my other family
Peter: That one was true and let me tell you something, they appreciate me for who I am
(Flashback to Peter getting in a cab)
Lois: Alright Peter have a good business trip
(Peter flies to Chicago)
Peter: Taxi!
(Peter changes clothes in taxi)
(Peter enters home in a flowered dress)

Peter: Who's hungry?
Kids: Yeah! Mommy's home!
Adam: Hello dear, I'm so glad you're home. While you were away (holds up a shrunken shirt) I tried to do the laundry
Peter: Your favorite shirt, Adam Kenneth Handleman when will you learn?
(Family laughs)

{At the Drunken Clam}
Joe: So Peter, any luck finding your wallet?
Peter: No and it's getting to be a pain in the ass. I got no money, I couldn't even afford to get my haircut yesterday.
{At Barber Shop}
Barber: That'll be $5
Peter: Sorry lost my wallet
Barber: But I already cut your hair!
Peter: Ah well, I guess there's nothing you can do about it now
(Peter walks out of barber shop with long flowing hair)
Peter: That son of a bitch
{Back at The Drunken Clam}
Peter: And I can't rent movies anymore
{At video store}
Peter: Ah yes I'd like to rent this copy of 'Garden State'
Video Clerk: Okay I'll just need a picture ID
Peter: Oh uh, I don't have one
Man: Oh I'll rent it then
{24 hours later}
(Peter opens morning paper & the headline reads 'Man Kills Self After Watching 'Garden State'')
(shaking) Peter: It could've been me

{Griffin Living Room}
Lois: *gasp* Oh My God Peter, you're Visa bill is $16 thousand dollars! Somebody's been using your credit card.
Peter didn't you cancel it when you lost your wallet?
Peter: I hear what you're saying but unlike my credit card I'm carrying a very low rate of interest.
Brian: Let me see that, a big screen TV, a massage chair from Sharper Image, plane tickets, Peter someone has obviously stolen your credit card
Peter: Here's the good news Brian, whoever the thief is, he's spending less then my wife
Brian: Wait look at this, He eats at House of Chung every day
Peter: House of Chung eh, Let's go Brian

{At House of Chun}
Brian: This place is packed how are we going to figure out who has your credit card?
Peter: I got it Brian, smell my ass
Brian: What?
Peter: Smell my ass, it's where I keep my wallet. Get the scent and find the guy who smells like me
Brian: Peter that's ridiculous
(Peter forces Brian to smell his ass)
Peter: Come on boy, get the scent
Brian: Cut it out! My god that's disgusting! You're an idiot you know that.
Wait a minute (sniffs the air) Your wallet's over there
(Peter & Brian approach a table & gasp)
Peter: Oh my god it's you!
Brian: James Woods!
James Woods: Hello Peter. I've been expecting you
Peter: You stole my credit card you son of a bitch! What did I ever do to you?
James Woods: That's a good question Peter. What did you ever do to me? Hmm? What did you ever do to James Woods?
Peter: Well, I locked you in wooden crate and forgot to put an air hole in it
James Woods: Forgot to put an air hole in it
Brian: Well you kinda had it coming. look Mr. Woods just give Peter back his wallet
James Woods: Oh no Brian, I'm just getting started.
Peter, you humiliated me. You put me through hell and now you're going to pay for it.
So get ready. Fatso.

{Griffin Living Room}
Peter: Lois, we found the guy who stole my wallet, you'll never guess who it was.
Lois: James Woods
James Woods: Hello stranger. I don't recall inviting you into my home.
Lois: Peter, he's been here for four hours. I told him to leave but he keeps saying he lives here
Stewie: I say, this is more uncomfortable then having James Brady at a cocktail party
{At a Cocktail Party}
Man: Okay so I got my handgun and I'm just randomly firing it into a crowd of people and then...
(James Brady wheels up)
James: And then what?
Man: And uh... nothing, nothing
James: No, I'm anxious to hear the conclusion of your story
Man: Naa, it's stupid. Stupid story.
{Back at the Griffin House}
Brian: I'm calling the police
James Woods: That won't be necessary, I already did.
(Doorbell rings)
James Woods: Hello officer would you be kind enough to remove this trespasser from my home
Peter: What are you talking about this is my house
James Woods: No this house belongs to Peter Griffin and that's me
Joe: Hmmm, driver's license, social security card, passport, title to the house, this puts me in a tough spot
Lois: Joe! You can't possibly believe this, you know who Peter is
Joe: I know Lois but this man has all the paperwork
Brian: Oh come on! This is identity theft
Joe: I hate to have to do this but I'm afraid legally I have no choice, I'm going to have to ask you to leave sir
James Woods: Thanks Joe. Clam later, we'll hoist a few?
Joe: Sure Peter
Lois: Joe!
James Woods: Uh hey not so fast pal, those are my clothes
Peter: Oh come on!
Joe: You heard him fella take them off, right down to the poop sack.
(James and Peter stare at Joe w/ confusion)
What? You don't all wear a poop sack?
Damn it Bonnie! You lied to me about the poop sack!

Lois: Ugh, this is just awful. James Woods is destroying this family and all just to get back at Peter
Chris: I know, he's doing all the stuff Dad usually does. Right now, he's upstairs talking to Meg.
James Woods: Now Meg, you want to be thin like all the Hollywood starlets right?
Meg: Yeah but I love to eat
James Woods: Well I got a way you can eat all you want and look like a Hollywood starlets.
Meg, let me introduce you to Mr. Pukie
(in an altered voice) Mr. Pukie: Hiya Meg
Meg: Hi
James Woods: Gosh Mr Pukie, you sure are good at making fat woman hot
Mr. Pukie: Wow, thanks
James Woods: You think you can you help out my friend Meg here?
Mr. Pukie: Yeah, I think I can give her a hand
James Woods: HaHaHaHa
Mr. Pukie: HaHaHaHa
James Woods: HaHaHaHa, Now close your eyes Meg and let Mr. Pukie help you out
(James Woods sticks Mr. Pukie down her throat causing her to throw up)
James Woods: Whoa! When did Reese Witherspoon get here?
Meg: *squeals with delight*

Chris: Mr. Woods, how do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Oh Chris I'm your father call me Dad
Chris: Um, Okay, Dad. How do I get a girl to like me?
James Woods: Well there's a number of ways Chris, for example, uh Kate Moss and I had the same coke supplier and he threw a punch social one day and we both happened to be there and the next thing you know we were both in the back room slam, bang, I went bareback.
Chris: Wow she sounds like a class act
James Woods: Oh no not at all Chris, no not at all
Chris: Thanks dad, I feel better
La La La La Off I go on my merry way, Life is great and I'm happy with my dad

{At a run down apartment}
Peter: What am I going to do Brian, James Woods has taken my life and my family
Brian: I know Peter but identity theft is one of the hardest things to fight. How are you going to handle it?
Peter: I don't know Brian. All I know is sure do miss Lois.
I got to find a way to see her, and I think I just got an idea. A much better idea then when I did magic for the blind.
{On Stage}
Peter: Is this your card?
Blind Guy: I don't know
Peter: Was it a red card?
Blind Guy: I don't know what red is
Peter: Taa Daaa

{Griffin Kitchen}
James Woods: You know what's amazing Lois, a week from tomorrow it'll be 20 years we've been married
Lois: I married Peter Griffin you lunatic
James Woods: Uh hello, I was there, see
(James hold up a wedding photo w/ his photo taped over Peter's)
Chris: Hi everyone, sorry I'm late, I brought a friend home for dinner.
Mom Dad, this is Scooter
Lois: Uh, hello Scooter
Scooter: Hey everybody sure is swell for you to have me over. What's for eats Mrs G?
Lois: Uh, meat loaf Pet... I mean Scooter, I hope you like it?
Scooter: Leaping lizards, meat loaf is my favorite!
Meg: Scooter, how come we've never met you before?
Scooter: Shut up Meg
James Woods: You know Scooter, we don't allow hats at the dinner table
Scooter: Oh my bad Mr. G
Chris: Dad no!
James Woods: Ah HA! I should have known, get out of my house right now you son of a bitch!
(James Woods shoots at Peter)
(Peter escapes on a Big Wheel)

{At a run down apartment}
Peter: Well that's it Brian, I guess he's won. I guess he's Peter Griffin now
Brian: Wait a minute Peter, if he's Peter Griffin then that means you can be James Woods!
Peter: That's a great idea Brian! If I was a famous movie star I wouldn't even want my family
Brian: No Peter, I'm saying you can do to him what he did to you. You can ruin him.
Peter: I'll do it. I'll be James Woods.
From this day forth, I am James Woods and I'll stick to that story even if nobody believes it
Vern (The Vaudeville Guy): I'll tell ya what nobody believes in, Ghosts
(Singing) Where did Robinson Caruso go w/ Friday on Saturday night AHH.
Damn, play me off Johnny
(Johnny plays piano in hell)
Vern (The Vaudeville Guy): You're probably wondering why he's in hell.
Johnny liked little boys.

{At a run down apartment}
Peter: The question is Brian, how am I going to make people think I'm James Woods?
Brian: The same way he did Peter, identity theft works both ways.
The first thing we're going to do is get you a perfect fake id. I know a guy who does good work
{Stewie's Room}
Stewie: You took a big risk coming here man, James Woods could be back any minute
Brian: I know how fast can you do it?
Stewie: As fast as Spiderman when he gets laid
{Spiderman's Bed}
(Woman covered in webbing)
Spiderman: Oh god I'm so sorry, that's never happened to me before. It's just you're so attractive and it's been awhile
Woman: I'm gonna go
Spiderman: You know, some people say that's good for your hair

{At The Late Show}
David Letterman: Welcome back to the program ladies and gentlemen please welcome our next guest, Mr. James Woods, oh James. (Peter walks out)
Wait a minute, you're not James Woods
Peter: Oh I believe I am, driver's license, social security card, American Express

{Griffin Living Room}
James Woods: What the hell is he doing?

David Letterman: Wow, I guess you are James Woods. So uh, now let me understand this, what are you here to promote James?
Peter: Well Dave, I have a hilarious new movie coming out on HBO next month, it's all about 9/11.
The movie's called September 11th Two Thousand Fun
(audience gasps)

James Woods: No, No, No No No !

David Letterman: James, that sounds unbelievably offensive to Americans
Peter: Well you haven't heard what the movie's about.
I play a window washer who has just finished washing the last window in the World Trade Center and I turn around to get off the scaffold and what do you think I see coming, a plane.
And I go Come On! You know it's real, real old style comedy. It's like two pies in the face and one in a field in Pennsylvania.
David Letterman: James I don't want to hear anymore about this
Peter: And the voice of the plane is David Spade

James Woods: What! I would never work with David Spade, that dwarf, that skinny chicken sh_t

Cultural References
The title sequence to 'G.I. Jose' including the music is a reference to the G.I. Joe (1983-1987) cartoon series

Peter, Cleveland, Glen & Joe are all closet Barry Manilow fans

The fast food chain “Kentucky Fried Chicken” is mentioned for the fact Barry Manilow did indeed, as Peter says, write jingles for the restaurant chain. He also wrote commercial music for McDonald's & State Farm Insurance early in his career.

Peter: “You know he wrote all those Kentucky Fried Chicken jingles”.
Cleveland: “I don't care for them, not after what happened to Foghorn Leghorn”

“The Colonel”, the white haired southern gentleman who is the mascot for Kentucky Fried Chicken killed the Looney Tunes character “Foghorn Leghorn”.

Oddly enough, in the 80's Foghorn Leghorn did a series of commercials for the fast food chain.

The “House of Chung” restaurant is a (probable) reference to Connie Chung, former news broadcaster

Stewie: “I say, this is more uncomfortable than having James Brady at a cocktail party”

James Brady was the former Assistant to the President and White House Press Secretary under President Ronald Reagan. He was shot and permanently disabled in Reagan's assassination attempt in 1981.

He was also the creator of the Brady Bill which calls for stricter handgun control, which is the reason he's so sarcastically interested in the story being told in the episode.

The Robert Frost poem (most likely) being discussed at Quagmire's house is titled “Birches”

Peter: “I'll come back for you Lois and I'll set up all the flashbacks just like I used to, like that time I swallowed that midget who played Mini Me just to make you laugh”

Peter is talking about Verne Troyer who played Mini Me in the Austin Powers movies

American actress Reese Witherspoon is mentioned by James Woods as a comparison to Meg

James Woods mentions British model Kate Moss.

Peter in the guise of James Woods goes on the “Late Show w/ David Letterman”

Peter: “...and the voice of the plane is David Spade”

David Spade may be best known for his time on “Saturday Night Live”. He has also had stints on the NBC show “Just Shoot Me”, the ABC show “8 Simple Rules” & the CBS show “Rules of Engagement”

Peter: “Top men”

Once again, James Woods is disposed of in the same crate filled warehouse that is seen at the end of 1981's “Raiders of the Lost Ark”

Episode References
Brian and Peter dispose of James Woods the same way they did at the end of 'Peter's Got Woods'

Other Episode Crew

CreatorSeth MacFarlane
DeveloperDavid Zuckerman  |  Seth MacFarlane
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