Ironside: Who shot me, damn it?
Sister Agatha: You hush now. They don't know who shot you.
Ironside: What day is it?
Sister Agatha: Thursday night.
Ironside: I was shot?
Sister Agatha: Tuesday night.
Ironside: They still don't know?
Sister Agatha: No.
Ironside: Damn it. What are we paying them for?
Ironside: Spit it out. Let me guess, my health insurance has run out and you need this room for a very rich man with the gout. (silence) I thought a conversation was supposed to be first on one side and then on the other. It's your turn.
Doctor: Mr. Ironside, I've been studying your X-rays and so has the orthopedist and so has the chief surgeon. Now you can go home in a week if you like.
Ironside: But what--I'm not going to last long? Is that it? How long? A month? This afternoon?
Doctor: You're not going to die, Mr. Ironside.
Ironside: Not ever? You hear that, Sister?
Doctor: Not from your wound, that is. But the bullet shattered a nerve junction in your spine.
Ironside: What does that mean?
Doctor: Well, neurologically speaking...
Ironside: Not neurologically speaking, English speaking.
Doctor: It means that there's no reason that you can't live a full and productive life. It means that when leave here, you can do anything you like, anything except walk.
Ironside: That all? Don't you two have anything else to do? All right, you've told me. I've had guys confess to murder quicker. What do you do when you have real bad news--bring in a flaming fiddler to play "Hearts and Flowers"?
Editor: Are you doing the Ironside wrap-up?
Editor: Forget it. He's fooled us again. Now they say he's going to live.
(at a press conference)
Eve: I'm on the force because I was a witness at a jewel robbery three years ago and Chief Ironside said that I had excellent powers of observation, "for a broad" he said.
Reporter: Then he told you to go to the Police Academy?
Eve: He did not. He told me not to. He said that police work would break my heart... excuse me.
Ed: "The only excuse for a policeman taking a day off is death - his own."