Kevin: (to the Bear) There's a list of women a mile long who have no complaints about Kevin Girardi between the sheets!
(His family are standing in the doorway, staring at him)
Kevin: I'm on painkillers.
Luke: When Grace gets here, we have to knuckle down with the science fair, so if you people could just keep it down...
Kevin: Then you can make out with her?
Luke: Oh, Grace. Uh, I was afarid your father wouldn't give you the message.
Grace: Yeah, thanks for leaving a message with my father, The Rabbi...saying you wanted to spend the night with me building a gun.
Joan: (about the letter Adam's mother left him) The ripples were good.
Will: Morning, Adam. Eat soom breakfast, make my wife happy.
Joan: (talking to Creepy Guy (God)) How soon will I know, exactly? Feburary 15, 2066? Wait -- don't tell me! Like you would even tell me.
Joan: I had this dream...
Grace: Koala bears in hats?
Helen: Whatcha doing?
Will: I'm making a list of demands.
Helen: Ohh. Who are we taking hostage?
Joan: Are you thinking about killing yourself?
Adam: (stunned) I thought you were going to apologize to me, yo.
Joan: Oh, Adam, I've apologized a hundred times. We're both bored with that.
Will: So, what were you dreaming about?
Joan: Boys and mirrors.
Will: Maybe this is one of those dreams you shouldn't tell your father.
Joan: Like Orlando Bloom in a Speedo?
Will: Now I'm going to have a nightmare.
Joan: I had kind of a weird dream.
Will: Koala bears?
Joan: No, Dad, I haven't had the koala dream since I was five. (shuddering) Evil koala bears in hats.
Kevin: (to Luke) Quit talking like the Queen of England!
Kevin: (referring to Rebecca) It's complicated.
Bear: No, it's not. You're an idiot.
Priest: (after Joan's eulogy) Anyone else? No? (under his breath) Thank God.
Kevin: Dad, I remember when you loved your job. You'd come home at night, I'd ask you what you did. You'd tell me great stories, running through dark alleys, looking for clues, using your siren...
Will: Kids are pretty easy to impress.
Kevin: The stories changed, Dad, not me.
Luke: Do you remember when you kissed me at the semiformal?
Grace: (as she leaves) Yeah. Forget it.
Luke: Can't unring a bell, baby.
Roy: This is my office.
Will: You're the boss.
Roy: I don't need you to keep reminding me. I know who is the boss.
Joan: Do you believe in ghosts?
Helen: Walking through a cemetery after burying a child – you bet I do.
Creepy Guy (God): I leave hints all over the place. I'm all about hints.
Kevin: He should be treated as a hero, not a pariah.
Joan: One of those Amazonian flesh-eating fish?
Luke: "Piranha." "Pariah" is an outcast, one of the unclean.
Adam: (to Joan) Rocky died? Wow. Life sincerely sucks.
Joan: (to Helen) I don't care what you say, I'm not eating bran. It makes me gassy.
Adam: (in Joan's dream) So long, Jane.
Grace: (to Joan) Before his mother died, Rove was different. He was funny and...aware of his surroundings.
Adam: (about his mother's note) I tried all night, Jane. I couldn't do it. I can't go out into the cold... I need some kind of warning.
Luke: (after the FBI takes his computer) Any naked ladies are because of my friend Friedman!
Joan: (to Creepy Guy (God)) This is a mad, creepy look.
Luke: Look, I've really enjoyed our collaboration. I...I feel our intellects and approaches really compliment each other, and I was, you know, hoping you felt the same way.
Grace: (sarcastically) Stop, stop, you're embarrassing me with your dirty talk.
Joan: Excuse me, Doctor, could you tell me how to get change?
Doctor: Change comes from within -- but first you have to want to change.
Joan: (believing Doctor to be God) "Death is a dividing line," "change comes from within." What is with your lame fortune-cookie wisdom today?
Kevin: (to Luke) When do you actually absorb information, 'cause it seems as if you're always spouting it out?
Luke: Not here to spy. I'm not even in the science fair anymore.
Friedman: Why not?
Luke: FBI confiscated my project.
Luke: I'm not joking.
Glynis: I always knew you had what it takes to contravene national security.