Nigerian doctor (God): I don't punish you, you punish yourselves. You're so good at it I could almost retire.
Joan: Huh, why don't you?
Nigerian doctor (God): I like my work.
Iris: You stood up for someone in gym class? That's like the front lines – kudos! Rave on!
Joan: Is English like a second language for you?
Adam: Iris is a good person.
Joan: I know. It's just that... her voice...drives me crazy.
Adam: It's her real voice. (laughing) It drives me crazy too.
Nigerian doctor (God): You should really learn to avoid unnecessary pain.
Joan: You should really learn how to pick on a supreme being your own size.
Joan: (to Iris) Do you have to talk? Do you have like an off switch?
Adam: She's joking.
Iris: Yeah. Ring, ring. That's my life calling.
Helen: Okay Luke, what was your involvement?
Luke: I hit a button...it was scientifically unsound...
Joan: Um...I'm Joan Girardi, um...I play percussion-ism...ist...
Joan: (referring to Helen) You let her have red wine?
Will: I tried to steer her towards white.
Will: (to Helen; about the art critic) You want me to shoot him? 'Cause I got my gun back.
Helen: (crying) Give me your gun, I'll shoot him myself!
Will: (looking at an art piece) It's a triangle attacking a circle? Well, maybe the circle's rude.
Adam: (to Joan) Are you talking about the panty shot?
(He notices Iris glaring)
Adam: I deleted it, like, immediately!
Joan: (referring to Iris) But you love her.
Adam: I like her a lot.
Joan: And you want me to like her too...
Adam: No...But I want you to like me.
Joan: Adam, I don't just like you...
Adam: Yeah. Yeah, me too.
Joan: (to Luke) The dork police called and said they want their leader back.
Joan: Are you an exchange student?
Exchange Student (God): You might say I'm in charge of the exchange program.
Exchange Student (God): Repeating myself is part of the job. "Vengeance is mine..." sayeth me.
Joan: You've never been to high school.
Exchange Student (God): You've never been to the Crusades.
Joan: High school kids only read under duress.
Luke: And high school art students don't read at all.
Helen: I don't believe in luck.
Will: That's all I believe in.
Helen: What are you, Chinese?
Adam: Wow, this is the most awesome sandwich I have ever seen.
Grace: Rove is against physical violence, but I overrode him.
Adam: Yeah, apparently it's like the UN, your vote counts for more.
Luke: What's the "on" button look like?
Joan: I don't know. It should say "on."
Luke: Well it doesn't. It says "whites" or "colours."
Joan: Uh, both.
Luke: There's not a "both" button.
Joan: (to Locksmith (God)) You're the one who made us ashamed to be naked!
Joan: (to herself) I really should stop doing that.
Luke: Hey, guess what? Copernicus called, said the world doesn't revolve around you.
Joan: What a coincidence because the dork police called and said they want their leader back.
Kevin: It's official, I don't miss high school anymore.
Ms. Lischak: (playing with a yo-yo) What have we been talking about for the past five months people? What about energy? Potential. Kinectic. Potential. Kinetic.
(Friedman holds up a picture of the panty shot)
Joan: (holding pen) Potental.
(She throws pen at Friedman and hits him in the head)
Joan: (the band teacher) Do you have the "hitting" things?
Lori: Go bang your drum.
Joan: Hey, yours is coming. It's only fair.
Lori: Give it your best shot.
Luke: Joan, you're standing in the washing machine!
Quaker Girl: I can't hit back, so I play music.
Joan: Why can't you hit back?
Quaker Girl: I'm not allowed. I'm Quaker.
Joan: Oh. Wait, like oatmeal?
Band teacher: That was commendably fierce, but rhythmically challenged.
Joan: (answering the door) Adam. It's late.
Adam: It is?
Grace: Can I just say, I sort of pictured you as the matching bra and panties type?
Joan: You picture me in my panties?
Grace: Not 'til I saw the photo.
Will: Am I going to Hell?
Helen: You don't believe in Hell.
Will: I believe in someplace...where you aren't.
(The Girardis are talking about the fact that several of Helen's paintings are going to be displayed at the Franklin gallery)
Will: When's the opening?
Joan: Great! Ha! Maybe you should include nude portraits of the whole family, or better yet, a series of paintings entitled My Daughter's Life: A Retrospective in humiliation.
(The rest of the family give her a strange look)
Helen: Are you okay, Joan?
Joan: No. Yes. Just...the usual. Heh. School's, you know...stuff.
(Joan accidently sprained her ankle after getting it stuck in the washing machine)
Helen: Okay, Luke, what was your involvement?
Luke: I hit a button. It was scientifically unsound.
Helen: Huh! I don't want you people in my laundry room.
Angela: What is wrong with you?
Angela: You made my personal and private thoughts a public spectacle.
Friedman: You mess with scientists, my friend, you're gonna get science.
(Angela tries to hit him)
Angela: You freak, I want to kill you!
Friedman: Le petite mort. The little death. I have some conversational French in my arsenal.
Joan: Wait, what is this about?
Grace: Retribution, the oldest profession.
Joan: I thought that was farming.