Adam: He didn't have to throw an eraser at me!
Joan: Adam, I know the 19th century can be a snooze, but you were snoring. Like the Three Stooges with the little "wee!" at the end.
Helen: (to Joan) You were alone with Adam at a hotel, and you love him...
Will: But he was shampooing the rug. I'm a cop, Joan, this is when I start reading you your rights.
Helen: (referring to Joan and Adam) She thought about it, but she didn't sleep with him.
Will: And we believe that?
Helen: What choice do we have?
Will: We could tell her she can't see him anymore.
Helen: Ahhh, the West Side Story Strategy. Yeah, that always works out real well.
Coach Keady: Cardiovascular exercise increases blood flow to the brain, thereby increasing your chances for higher grades on your finals.
Friedman: (to himself) Then how come the football team can't spell?
Coach Keady: Mr Friedman, you're flailing. It's unattractive.
Joan: I did not have sex with Adam.
Helen: Are you sure?
Helen: Oh, and Adam, would you ask your girlfriend not to be so snotty to the faculty?
Joan: You might be God, but you're a little clueless.
Will: So the cleaner gets taken to the cleaner. The irony, that's what I love about the job.
Joan: Do you really think...?
Helen: What do you think we think?
Will: Of course we think, what would you think?
Joan: Is this a real conversation or an Abbott & Costello routine?
God: Faith is believing when there's no rational reason to believe.
Joan: (to Cute Guy (God)) Great, you have a locker now. What do you keep in there – wrath?
Grace: I'm not getting involved. I say something wrong, you two break up and I'm stuck with Friedman as a friend.
Joan: (to God) You want me to ace French? Why don't you make the language easier? Or make it...English?
Rich Woman (God): You're always faced with difficult decisions. I can't make your choices for you - I'm really committed to the free will thing.
Helen: Let me finish!
Joan: No! Because you're going to start crying and quoting songs.
Adam: (to Joan and Grace in gym) Why are you two speeding? Being last is our thing.
Will: Remember when I took you on the pony ride?
Joan: Adam, you believed in yourself.
Adam: No, you believed in me. And it felt good.